ID Chapter 30

Kwon Su-han opened his arms towards me. My body suddenly pushed CEO Shin Dong-woo away and rushed into his arms. It happened so instinctively that I was surprised myself. The thick aura that had been coiling around me disappeared, replaced by a gentle aura.

“Ira, what are you doing!”

“…I was going to come see you anyway, CEO Shin Dong-woo, but this is how we meet.”

Kwon Su-han hugged me. He wrapped his arms tightly around my waist. I leaned into him. I felt a sense of relief beyond words.

“Mr. Kwon, Kwon Su-han. What brings you here? What about our Ira,”

“You were an Adapter.”

“Officially, it’s a secret! I’m under the Adapter Protection Program (a program where Adapters live as non-aura users without revealing their Adapter status, giving up their abilities, rights, and duties as Adapters).”

“The prerequisite for that program is not using Adapter abilities, isn’t it?”

“B-but just now, Ira was too confused, so I tried to soothe him…”

Kwon Su-han scoffed. His voice sounded like ice dripping. Every time he spoke, I felt a vibration in his chest. Kwon Su-han gently stroked the back of my head. He seemed very angry, but his touch and aura, as he soothed me, were so gentle and warm.

“Cyanide, reveal it. If your company doesn’t explain, the National Forensic Service will release an article first.”

“How could you know about that, the National Forensic Service, I had a confidentiality agreement with Kwon Jin-ho.”

“When things have come to this, what idiotic nonsense is ‘confidentiality’?”

In Kwon Su-han’s arms, I shifted my body slightly. CEO Shin Dong-woo’s face had lost all color. My heart felt uncomfortable seeing him like that.

“I will take Ira for a while. …If Ira is okay with it.”

At Kwon Su-han’s words, I looked up at him. His eyes held warm concern, unlike the cold, stern gaze he’d given CEO Shin Dong-woo. I gave a small nod, and Kwon Su-han nodded back.

“We’ll inform his family from our end. The rest of the conversation would be better over the phone.”

“W-wait a minute! Ira, wait.”

CEO Shin Dong-woo looked at me. He had an expression of utter incomprehension.

“You told me then. You said you understood everything. You understood what I was saying. You clearly said that!”

“Yes, I did then, but not now. Now, I don’t understand what you’re saying, and I don’t want to.”

Both CEO Shin Dong-woo and Yong-jun stared with wide eyes and open mouths. They probably didn’t expect me to say something like this. Looking at CEO Shin Dong-woo, I said what I wanted to say.

“Even if the members find out, they won’t fear the fans like I do. Endorphin’s fans only dislike me, anyway.”

“…What did you say?”

“I’m sorry things turned out this way because I was carelessly caught throwing away trash. It would be good if you release an explanatory article, but it doesn’t matter if you don’t. People dislike me anyway. It’s natural for them to dislike me, so there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“Natural… What on earth are you saying?”

“All I wanted was to tell the members. That way, they won’t think it’s strange if I don’t eat the things their fans give them, right?”

CEO Shin Dong-woo staggered and hit the car. I couldn’t understand why he was so shocked. Isn’t it a good thing for him?

“You, what kind of extreme things are you saying…”

Yong-jun’s face was almost bewildered. I don’t know why they were reacting like that, but I continued speaking.

“If the truth is revealed, there will be some upset fans. They’ll be disappointed that it only ended in attempted murder. Since the attempted murderer wasn’t caught, they might be emboldened to try out things they only planned before. All of that is unavoidable, so I’ll be prepared. It doesn’t matter to me now. Whether the truth is revealed or not. It’s just that I think it would make our next activities easier if the members knew.”

“I-Ira, we don’t know what you’re saying. Are you serious right now?”

“Yes, I’m serious.”

“…You’re completely out of your mind,”

Just then, Kwon Su-han suddenly pulled me closer. I was already in his arms, but he pressed my body closer and covered my ears with both hands. CEO Shin Dong-woo, pale-faced, was saying something, but I couldn’t hear it. Given the vibration in Kwon Su-han’s chest, he was clearly speaking too, so I strained to listen.

“…Like this… …that you yourselves brought upon…”

It was clearly about me, but I couldn’t hear the exact content. Frankly, I wasn’t even curious. I was too exhausted to feel any curiosity. Kwon Su-han finished speaking and removed his hands from my ears. CEO Shin Dong-woo and Yong-jun looked extremely shocked.

“Ira.”

Kwon Su-han put his arm around my shoulder. It seemed like a signal to leave now. Neither CEO Shin Dong-woo nor Yong-jun tried to stop us.

I got into the car I was now used to. Just the fact that it was his car made my tension ease. Kwon Su-han buckled my seatbelt and very carefully stroked my hair.

“Try to get some sleep. I’ll wake you when we arrive.”

“Okay…”

I answered, but I couldn’t actually sleep. Kwon Su-han smoothly started the car. I’m tired. I was looking out the window when I saw someone hastily emerge from the parking lot elevator.

It was Jae-yi.

“Wait!”

I shouted urgently. Kwon Su-han must have heard me, and seemed to drive past, but then turned back the way he came. Jae-yi, too, must have seen me, and was running towards us. I rolled down the window. Jae-yi’s face crumpled when he saw Kwon Su-han in the driver’s seat.

“Ira, what’s going on? Why Kwon Su-han… Did you cry? Why, no, where are you going right now?”

“I’m going to Kwon Su-han’s place.”

“Shit,” Jae-yi swore roughly.

“Why are you going to that Adapter’s house in this situation? You need to tell me properly! Why are you talking about d-dying? If you don’t say anything, I won’t know!”

“CEO Shin Dong-woo will probably tell you.”

“You, are you saying you absolutely can’t explain it yourself?”

“Let’s stop.”

Kwon Su-han said softly. He had one eyebrow cocked, as if he wanted to start the car immediately.

“When you eventually learn the truth, you’ll be glad you didn’t hear it directly from Ira. Your CEO is in the parking lot, so go quickly and listen to his explanation.”

“..Damn it, why does that bastard know, and I don’t…”

To Jae-yi, Kwon Su-han’s words seemed like the condescending boasts of someone in the know. I understood Jae-yi. We were that close, after all. I reached out my hand to Jae-yi.

“…….”

What should I say? What… As my lips merely parted, Jae-yi took my hand.

“I’ll call you, so pick up the phone.”

“Okay…”

Jae-yi looked so distressed. He seemed as burdened as I was, but I was too exhausted to spare him any consideration. I disentangled my fingers from his and rolled up the window. Kwon Su-han started the car.

Jae-yi’s figure grew distant. He kept looking in our direction until the car turned the corner.

As soon as we arrived at Kwon Su-han’s house and I opened the front door, my legs gave out. If Kwon Su-han hadn’t caught me, I would have collapsed then and there. I clung to his chest and pleaded.

“Please give me aura healing.”

“..Alright. After you eat first.”

“If I eat now, I’ll 100% get indigestion.”

“Let’s eat something you won’t get indigestion from.”

Being as tall and well-built as Jae-yi, he easily lifted me. Kwon Su-han laid me down in the bedroom and brushed my bangs aside. It was a neat and spacious bedroom in monochrome tones.

I hadn’t even taken off my socks or removed the makeup from the behind-the-scenes recording, but I felt no hesitation. Kwon Su-han pulled the thick, light blanket up to my chest, patted it a couple of times, and then left the room.

As soon as Kwon Su-han left, I burst into tears. Fearing I’d soak the pillow, I pressed my eyes with my sleeve. Curled up under the blanket, I covered my mouth to muffle the hiccuping sobs and wept.

Does everyone truly overcome things and live on? Am I the strange one? What should I do now? What should I do?

It feels so hopeless, and I just want to escape this reality. I’ve already run away, but…

What’s going to happen to me now…?

I wish someone would answer. I wish someone would tell me.

Before long, I heard calm footsteps. I felt the bed sink on one side. Kwon Su-han sat down silently and gently patted me. There was no sign that he would pull back the blanket, so I cried on, relieved. My face was covered in tears, my sleeve was already damp, and even the pillowcase was wet, but Kwon Su-han wouldn’t reprimand me for it. He didn’t disturb me at all, and I think I cried myself to sleep.

The next day, I woke to a hand gently stroking my hair and a soft voice calling my name. As I tried to open my eyes, they stung terribly, and I groaned, feeling a cool, soft cloth touch my eyelids. Once the stinging subsided somewhat, I blinked my eyes open.

“You look like a frog.”

Kwon Su-han, whose face looked perfectly rested, as if he hadn’t slept at all, chuckled. I pouted. Of course, I’d be all swollen after crying so much these past few days…

“Drink some water.”

As if it had been prepared, he gave me cool water. I sat up and took a sip, but then coughed. My throat was stinging and sore. Kwon Su-han silently took the cool water from my hand and gave me another glass of water. It was lukewarm. My throat still hurt, but I gulped it down in one go.

“Are you awake now?”

“Yes…”

Oh my god. My voice was a mess. It was so hoarse it was embarrassing, but Kwon Su-han seemed unfazed.

“Then let’s eat.”

“My stomach doesn’t feel good.”

“That’s why you need to eat more.”

Kwon Su-han was firm, so I groaned and got up. But my head was dizzy, and my body felt so heavy that it was hard to walk. Kwon Su-han told me to just wash my face and wait on the bed. When I looked in the mirror while washing my face, I looked so wretched that if I told anyone I was an idol, I’d probably get hit.

I sluggishly returned to the bed and waited. Kwon Su-han brought a bowl of porridge that smelled fragrant and savory. It wasn’t bland at all and was really delicious. My stomach definitely felt off, but I still ate two bowls. It seems everything he makes is always more than two bowls’ worth.

After eating my fill, I brushed my teeth thoroughly with a toothbrush that Kwon Su-han seemed to have newly bought.

“You must be fully awake now. And full?”

“Yes, I’m full. Thank you for the meal.”

Though my voice was still shot.

“Then sit comfortably and listen now.”

Kwon Su-han propped a cushion behind my back, carefully tucked the blanket up to my thighs, then pulled a chair over and sat beside the bed. I expected him to start talking right away, but when he remained silent, I looked up, and our eyes met. I was so grateful for how carefully he was observing my expression. Kwon Su-han slowly opened his mouth.

“It’s 2 PM now. Since your company hasn’t released a statement, I intend to post one as your attending physician. It will state that Ira of Endorphin developed a trauma preventing him from eating fan-given food after receiving poisoned food, and that I deeply regret the agency’s failure to protect its artist. I have prepared records of cyanide detection in the vanilla cookie and the apple juice. My younger brother will certify it.”

I listened quietly, fidgeting with my fingers.

“I haven’t announced it yet. What’s important is your intention. What would you like to do?”

What would I like to do, he asks. I don’t know. All I can think is, I wish someone would just tell me what to do. I’m not a child… I’m a full-grown adult. I can’t ask Kwon Su-han to make every single decision for me.

When I dropped my head, Kwon Su-han patted the blanket.

“This is not something someone else can decide carelessly. Your future depends on it.”

“..I know. I’ll think about it more.”

“Is there anything else you’re curious about?”

“Hyung, your tone has become very soft. It’s giving me goosebumps.”

“…Since yesterday, your parents have been calling a lot.”

“Ah.”

It was something I said to lighten the mood, but Kwon Su-han didn’t even smile, just handed me my phone. How could I have forgotten it? I quickly took it and scanned the call log. There were messages from many people: the members, idol peers, school friends. Jae-yi alone had nearly a hundred missed calls. Surprisingly, there weren’t many calls from Mom, Dad, or my younger brother, but Kwon Su-han explained why.

“I gave them a general explanation. I told them it wasn’t as serious as the articles made it out to be, and that you weren’t in any danger. I said you’re eating and sleeping well now, and would call them once you woke up.”

“Yes, thank you.”

My voice was a mess… but I couldn’t make my parents worry any more, so I called them. Kwon Su-han didn’t have the courtesy to leave the room; instead, he sat close enough to hear the conversation.

Mom’s voice was calmer than I expected. It must have been thanks to Kwon Su-han’s reassuring words. But Dad was very angry.

“Didn’t I tell you not to be an idol! Why bother being an idol just to get insulted and suffer? Just quit it all. I’ll sue everyone who badmouths my son and make sure they can never listen to your music again, then they’ll realize what they’ve done wrong!”

He was so agitated I worried about his blood pressure. Dad kept ranting without giving me a chance to calm him down, then suddenly hung up and started a video call. I look awful right now. As I hesitated to answer, Kwon Su-han stretched out his long arm and touched the screen to accept the call.

“Ah, why…!”

“Look at this. I knew it. You’ve been crying your eyes out! Quit being an idol right now and come home. I sent you to be happy, not to cry, Dad says!”

“Dad, it’s not as serious as you think, and I’m just swollen from sleeping so much. Rumors can be clarified…”

“Don’t you dare lie to your dad! Get your butt over here before I break your legs!”

“Honey, don’t be so hard on him. You’ll scare the child.”

“And you! Allowing him to be an idol, can’t you see how thin he’s gotten? His face is half-gone! His throat’s ruined too. If a kid doesn’t like something, he might throw a bit of bread away. To criticize him so much for that…!”

“Ugh, this is getting unbearable. Give me the phone. I’ll talk. Min, please take Dad and go into the room.”

Min was there too. Dad, whose face had turned dark red with excitement, disappeared from the screen. Mom spoke calmly.

“We saw that video too. Why did you throw away the bread? Kwon Su-han didn’t tell us.”

“There was a reason. We’ll be releasing a statement soon.”

“Won’t you tell us first?”

They must be disappointed, deeply so. But I can’t bring myself to tell them directly, face-to-face. At this point, I’m even wondering if I really need to release a clarification statement. How worried my parents must be… how heartbroken.

“It’s really nothing serious. We’re going to exaggerate the explanation a bit in the statement, but I’ll tell you now so Mom and Dad don’t worry. A while ago, at a fan signing event last year, I received a cookie as a gift, and it was a bit spoiled. So after that, I stopped eating anything fans gave me, but I got caught. It was my fault for throwing it away in a place where everyone could see, I guess.”

“A fan gave you something spoiled?”

“Yeah, it happens sometimes. I have a lot of anti-fans, just as I have a lot of popular support. I told you it’s not serious.”

“Is Kwon Su-han there with you?”

Kwon Su-han’s arm must have been caught on camera. When I looked to my side, Kwon Su-han said, “Yes, hello,” as he entered the frame.

“Did our Ira get sick from eating something spoiled? Is that why you, the doctor, are his attending physician?”

I looked at Kwon Su-han with anxious eyes. He spoke without any change in expression.

“He has never gotten sick or had his health decline from eating something spoiled, so please don’t worry. If his parents worry too much, that would actually be worse for Ira.”

What is he telling my mother! I glared at him, but Kwon Su-han just looked at the phone with cold eyes.

“Since you’re a famous Aura Adapter, I’ll trust you. Please take good care of him.”

“Yes.”

“Ira, don’t look up what anti-fans are writing, and don’t go online to read malicious comments. Understood?”

“Okay. Please try to calm Dad down.”

“Alright. I’m sorry to cause more trouble when you already have a headache. Your dad is simple-minded; he’ll calm down quickly if you give him something to eat, so don’t worry and rest. I’ll call again later.”

“Okay, Mom, you rest too.”

After I hung up, Kwon Su-han took the phone. He placed it on the charger on the side table.

“Your parents don’t resemble you.”

I hear that a lot.

“If I reveal that it contained cyanide, they’ll worry. Maybe I shouldn’t reveal it.”

“You’re saying the exact same thing as your company’s CEO.”

I tightened my grip on the blanket. It was so complicated. I really didn’t know which way was right.

If I reveal that there was an attempted poisoning, this time my parents will definitely make me quit being an idol. Won’t Endorphin’s fans feel safe knowing the culprit wasn’t caught last time, and try again this time? Won’t there be people who pity me for almost dying?

What would the members’ reactions be? Would they not understand, like Yong-jun or the CEO, or would they be like Kwon Su-han…?

What would Jae-yi’s reaction be?

No, even before that.

“Will people believe me? Will they just curse me, saying I’m an attention-seeker?”

“I’ve prepared the cyanide detection records.”

Ah, that’s right. He said he had them ready. I must really be an idiot now.

“Cough, cough.”

When a cough burst out, Kwon Su-han immediately gave me a glass of water and some pills. I docilely took and swallowed them. Kwon Su-han even wiped my mouth with a tissue. I’m not a baby, after all. I couldn’t help but ask.

“Kwon Su-han, why are you so good to me? Is it pity?”

“…I’m good to you? This is just normal behavior. Anyone should have treated you this way.”

That meant the CEO and Yong-jun were wrong. However, I partly understood them. If the truth were revealed, there would be a lot of confusion. If I just endured it and moved on, we could live peacefully. No matter how much I thought about it, informing only the members seemed like the best option. Kwon Su-han probably knew too.

“What do you think, Kwon Su-han?”

I thought as I asked the question. It was a useless question for someone who had already prepared a statement of explanation. He had taken me out of the CEO’s grasp precisely to make this announcement. So, without waiting for his answer, I immediately continued.

“I’m sorry. I’m being so ‘I-already-know-the-answer’, aren’t I?”

“…Ira.”

-Ding-dong.

I was startled by the sudden sound of the doorbell. As if Kwon Su-han had expected the bell to ring around this time, he calmly patted my shoulder.

“It seems my brother is here. You’ve spoken on the phone once, haven’t you?”

“Yes, that, the National Forensic Service person.”

I even remembered his name. Kwon Jin-ho.

He had informed the CEO about the detection of cyanide and stated he would hand it over to the police. The CEO tried to dissuade him, even offering money, but when he wouldn’t listen, the CEO ultimately made me call him.

“This is the National Forensic Service employee’s number, so call him and tell him not to leak it externally. He’ll listen if the person involved says it.”

When I called, he was very flustered. I remember him repeatedly asking if I was really okay. Because I was truly okay at the time, I simply recited the CEO’s words, telling him it was nothing and to please not leak it.

“May I let him in?”

“Huh? Of course. This is Kwon Su-han’s house, isn’t it?”

“He’s coming to see you.”

Kwon Su-han stroked my head as if comforting a child.

“He’s been wanting to meet you for a long time.”

Kwon Su-han went to open the door. In the meantime, my nose stung again, and no matter how much I tried to stop crying, tears eventually streamed down. As I swore and wiped them away with my sleeve, someone entered with urgent footsteps. It was a lanky, bespectacled man, thinner than Kwon Su-han. They resembled each other enough that anyone could tell they were brothers. He rushed over without even taking off his coat, sat on the bed, and took my hand.

“Oh my goodness. Ira, no, Ira. I really wanted to meet you. I kept, kept wanting to meet you.”

“Kwon, Kwon Jin-ho?”

I was flustered. Surprisingly, he was openly weeping.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have turned away like that. To a twenty-one-year-old young idol, I should have paid a little more attention.”

Kwon Jin-ho hugged me tightly. The smell of the outside wind wafted over me. Flustered, I looked up at Kwon Su-han, who was shaking his head with one corner of his mouth turned up. Clinging to me, Kwon Jin-ho poured out everything that had accumulated inside him.

“I just thought it was okay because you said it yourself. Even after hearing your young voice, I still did that. I don’t know why I did. How hard it must have been for you, all alone, bottling it up without anywhere to ask for help, fearing alone. Until you became so thin… I’m sorry, Ira. I’m sorry. I should have paid more attention, even with the Apple Juice incident.”

He was hiccuping as he poured it out, so it was hard to hear him clearly. No, in fact, I couldn’t hear well because I was crying too. While his brother cried, Kwon Su-han merely stroked my head.

Embraced by Kwon Jin-ho, receiving his apology, and seeing his water-soaked glasses crooked on his face, I made a decision.

To release the statement of explanation.

Before uploading the prepared statement of explanation, Kwon Su-han showed it to me. I read it carefully, then nodded. Around 5 PM, he posted the statement on Kwon Su-han’s SNS account. I closed the window without reading the reactions.

Although it felt incredibly daunting and I still questioned if it was truly the right thing to do, my heart felt a little, just a tiny bit, lighter.