ID Chapter 34

That night, Kwon Jin-ho came back, laden with clothes in my size. As I was hanging the clothes in Kwon Su-han’s bedroom closet, Kwon Jin-ho and Kwon Su-han whispered something in a corner of the living room. Shortly after, Kwon Jin-ho said he would come again tomorrow and truly left, and Kwon Su-han called me.

I was putting my arm through a light yellow hood zip-up when I heard his call and went out to the living room.

“Ira. That incident last year, the prosecution is investigating…”

“The prosecution?”

“…Finish getting dressed.”

Kwon Su-han, who had turned on the TV and was adjusting something with the remote, spotted me and made an ambiguous face, as if he was smiling or frowning. He soon regained his usual composure, but I finished putting on my hood zip-up anyway. It was long enough to slightly cover the top of my hips, roomy, and came with a hood. I tried on the hood, and it was adjustable and I liked it in many ways. The only flaw was the chick drawing in the pocket.

Click.

Just as I was about to feel a bit down thinking of the Ira Chick Meme fan, I heard the sound of a camera clicking. I looked up to see Kwon Su-han taking pictures with his phone.

Click, click.

He took burst shots with a calm face. I was dumbfounded and asked.

“What are you doing?”

“To send to my brother. Since he bought them, like a verification shot… something like that.”

“Ah, please tell him I said thank you.”

I gave a service smile and posed. Just as my mouth started twitching from waiting for the click, I realized it was a video. Ugh, seriously…

About five minutes later, Kwon Su-han had me sit next to him and got to the point. It was the news that the prosecution had decided to investigate the Cyanide Cookie incident.

I let out an unintentional snort.

“It was last year, how can they catch anyone? There aren’t any cookies left.”

“I think we can catch them. Thanks to your fans’ cooperation.”

I blinked, startled as if struck by lightning. Kwon Su-han gave me a faint smile.

“After the explanatory statement, over a hundred videos were uploaded. They are videos from that day’s fan signing event, taken from various angles, from beginning to end. Jin-ho brought copies, and we’re about to watch them now.”

“Are you talking about the fancam videos taken by fans?”

“Yes.”

“…I… I’ll go inside. I’m tired… I’ll go to bed early.”

“…Do that. As you wish.”

Kwon Su-han connected to the TV and played the fancam videos. I fled to the bedroom. My body suddenly felt hot, so I took off the hood zip-up, lay on the bed, kicked the blanket about twenty times, then got up. Then I paced back and forth from the bedside table to the closet about twenty times before quietly opening the door.

I was in the middle of the TV screen.

-Hey, hey. Move aside. You can’t see the baby.

Amidst the noisy sounds, a female voice, presumed to be the person filming this fancam, was heard.

-I moved. Can you see him now?

-Yeah! Oh my god, he’s so cute.

There was another voice, as if she was with a friend. The video was focused on me. It was in the early days, less than a month after joining… I looked distinctly different then than I do now. There were no dark circles, and my cheeks were quite chubby. I was constantly joking and laughing with Jae-yi next to me, trying to snatch each other’s markers or draw on each other’s faces.

Even then, I was getting a tremendous amount of hate, but I didn’t know they hated me enough to try to kill me.

-Ah, damn, Jae-yi and Ira content is exploding.

-Hey, what do we do? Ira is drinking water.

-Huuuuhhhh

-Baby’s drinking water, huuuuhhh

-Aww, aww, he’s thirsty.

Apparently thirsty, the me in the video opened a bottle of water and gulped it down, and simultaneously, strange “huuuuhhh” sounds were heard from everywhere. The person filming and their friends were making cooing sounds, like doting on a tiny baby who was cleverly drinking water.

-Aww, baby has marker on his finger, ughh, tell Jae-yi to wipe it for you, baby.

-Damn, he blinked, he’s so cute! I must be crazy.

-Heng, look at Ira blinking. Ah, super cute.

The me in the video was just waiting for the next fan with a dumbfounded expression…

I was so embarrassed that I rubbed my flushed cheeks for a moment, then quietly sat down next to Kwon Su-han to watch properly. Kwon Su-han’s lips seemed to curve slightly upwards.

Leaving it to him to find the person who handed over the cookie, I focused on the fans. Most of them were going wild over how cute I was. Seeing me fidget with my sleeve, they said I was cute; shaking my head was cute; the fingers holding the marker were cute; the elbow resting on the table was cute… at this rate, they’d probably say my breathing was cute.

-Baby’s inhales and exhales are cute, oh no, huuuuhhhhh

Pfft… I burst out laughing. At the same time, my eyes welled up.

I had fans.

That’s right, I did…

Back then, I still went to fan sites and read all the letters, so I knew. That among the many people who disliked me, there were grateful people who sent their support. I knew it back then…

When did I start thinking I had no fans?

My nose tingled, so I swallowed to hold back tears. It stung from the back of my throat to my ear canal.

Then, suddenly, the screen showed abnormal movement.

Kwon Su-han suddenly pressed rewind.

“Why??? Was the culprit there??”

I was startled and stared at the screen. There I was, making a heart shape over my head and smiling brightly. Could that person getting an autograph from Jae-yi possibly be…

“No, I saw it wrong.”

Kwon Su-han said, staring intently at me on the screen.

Then, after playing it for a while, he rewound again. At that moment, the me from eight months ago was holding a microphone and doing a dog impression.

Kwon Su-han rewound a third time when I looked up at the fan in front of me, widened my eyes, and tilted my head. He didn’t even bother to make an excuse about seeing it wrong, but calmly and seriously admired my appearance.

The videos, which captured the fan signing event from beginning to end without editing, were each over an hour long. I watched one completely, and when I started the second, I nodded off repeatedly. When I suddenly woke up, I was in bed. Huh… I’d been worried if I could sleep tonight since the sleeping pills were at the dorm, but here I was, sleeping soundly with the blanket pulled up to my chest.

I rubbed my still sleepy eyes and got out of bed. The bedroom door was slightly ajar, and light seeped in from the living room. Kwon Su-han was still watching TV, and as I got closer, I could hear his voice.

“Yes… between 43 minutes… and…”

It sounded like he was on the phone with someone. I stayed still, fearing the door might creak if I opened it further.

“…wearing a hat… in front of Ira…”

My name was mentioned in the middle. What were they talking about? I was curious, but too sleepy. I’m a sensitive idol with insomnia, yet I slept so soundly. Did Kwon Su-han spray some sleeping agent in the bedroom? I figured he’d tell me if it was something I needed to know, so I just decided to go back to sleep.

The next day, Kwon Su-han went to the airport to pick up my family. Meanwhile, I was fidgeting with my phone. To be precise, I was repeatedly going in and out of the ‘to Ira’ board on the fan cafe. Should I go in? Should I read it? Could I avoid being hurt? What if there were only posts saying they were quitting as fans? What if there were posts demanding Ira’s immediate removal and calling for Go Yu-jin’s return?

The bedroom was too spacious, the soundproofed house too quiet, and my mind was so filled with worries and confusion that it was desperate to let out the tears welling up. Actually, I didn’t want to cry, I really didn’t, but tears kept threatening to fall, which annoyed me.

Meanwhile, CEO Shin Dong-woo kept sending messages.

[Did you lure the kids away? Do you think contract termination is a joke?]

[If you’re going to act like this, we have our own plans.]

I’ll send all this to Kwon Su-han when he gets back.

Ding-dong.

Just in case, I was capturing the messages when the doorbell rang in the quiet house. If it were Kwon Su-han, he’d just open the door and come in, so who could it be? It meant they at least knew the apartment’s entrance code. I cautiously picked up the intercom and said, “Who is it?”

“Ira, are you awake?”

It was Kwon Jin-ho. I ran and opened the door. Kwon Jin-ho came in, carrying something in both hands, and smiled brightly at me.

“Hyung said you might be taking a nap, but you’re awake.”

“I slept too much last night, so I’m not sleepy. Kwon Su-han went to the airport.”

“Yes, I know. He told me to set up a table because he’ll be bringing Ira’s parents home.”

“Oh, really?? I’ll help you.”

I trailed after Kwon Jin-ho as he carried the ingredients into the kitchen.

“Please, Ira, just rest. Here, if you like puzzles, would you like to do this one? I bought a 450-piece set.”

“Please speak informally, Jin-ho hyung. Call me Ira.”

“…….”

I didn’t know his exact age, but he was definitely older than me, so when I said that, he suddenly stopped unpacking the things he’d brought. Then he stared at me intently before suddenly pulling out his phone in a hurry.

“C-could you say that again?? Just one more time,”

I glanced at the ‘Recording’ indicator on his phone screen and let out a little laugh.

“Jin-ho hyung, please speak informally. Call me Ira.”

Jin-ho hyung smiled broadly, looking as if he were about to cry. I smiled back at him, probably with the exact same expression.

Mom looked at me with surprised eyes and was unable to speak. Dad and Yi Min were the same. As I tilted my head in confusion, Mom suddenly hugged me tightly. Mom was crying, and as she hugged me, she touched my nape, shoulder, and wrist bones, making me guess the reason. On screen, I appear chubbier than I am in real life… I had last seen Mom and Dad half a year ago, and I hadn’t lost this much weight back then.

I was held by Mom, awkwardly holding my hands in the air. I hoped Mom and Dad wouldn’t be heartbroken. I didn’t want to worry them. Thinking bitterly, my eyes met Kwon Su-han’s. Kwon Su-han was slowly observing my family.

Jin-ho hyung and I had set up the meal in the living room, but it had all gone cold waiting for Mom to stop crying. Jin-ho hyung hurriedly reheated it, and meanwhile, my parents were fiercely cursing out CEO Shin Dong-woo in front of me. They occasionally cursed the culprit too, but the curses directed at CEO Shin Dong-woo were overwhelmingly more frequent.

During the meal, side dish plates piled up in front of me. In front of Yi Min, who was still growing, there was only a pile of greens. Yi Min had grown a lot taller in that time. He seemed 1 or 2 cm taller than me, but because he took after Mom and Dad and was plump, his body size was almost double mine.

When I subtly pushed a side dish plate toward Yi Min, he snorted at me and said, “You eat a lot, hyung.” Then he got hit by Dad. Dad, who often threatened to break my legs or whatever, had never once hit me, not even jokingly.

After the meal, Jin-ho hyung said he had to work and left. Had he come during his shift? Kwon Su-han took Yi Min to the study, giving us space.

As soon as I sat opposite him, Dad immediately spoke.

“I’ve made a room for you at home. If you want to live alone, I’ll find you a place with a good view. Pack your bags to come with us when we leave.”

In Dad’s mind, it seemed to be a done deal.

“I’m not going to quit…”

“I knew you’d be stubborn again. What are you going to do with your life now?”

Dad’s question startled me. “What am I going to do with my life?” Of course, I’m going to…

I don’t use the internet, so I don’t know people’s reactions. Is the public’s reaction that I can no longer be an idol…? Kwon Su-han said public opinion was on my side. Why was Dad talking as if quitting being an idol was a given?

“I have no intention of letting my son stay in a profession that threatens his life. And looking so thin… I know you’re not the type to show your worries, but to hide such a huge problem from us, it’s truly outrageous. I absolutely won’t allow it anymore. Quit and come home!”

I know that Dad is worried about me in his own way. And that this is his way of expressing it. Dad was against it from the beginning, so he must have come with a firm resolve this time. But I…

“Dad’s right. How hard is it to be an idol? The easiest target for the public is an idol. With your personality, you can’t do it. You must know that after experiencing it this much.”

Mom spoke as if comforting a naive child. My hands on my thighs trembled uncontrollably. I bowed my head deeply.

“The culprit will be caught, but there’s no guarantee that another bad person won’t do it again. Ira, let’s go back with us now, okay? An eating disorder and trauma… being an idol is too much for your personality.”

“Even if it’s not poison, only those who can endure all the insults become celebrities. Their mental strength has to be above average. It’s not something just anyone can do.”

“Think about it from our perspective. What if we received food with poison from someone we didn’t know? Wouldn’t you be worried? And you’re losing weight and suffering because of that trauma, wouldn’t you try to stop it? Please think of us, Ira. Mom and Dad are worried sick about you. So, so worried.”

“Your mother cried so much when she saw the article about you. Are you going to keep being stubborn and break your mother’s heart? Quit being an idol right now and come home with Mom and Dad!”

Mom’s voice was drenched in tears, and Dad finally roared. I couldn’t lift my head. I understood my parents too well. But I…

I want to be an idol.

“Mother, Father.”

I suddenly lifted my head. Kwon Su-han, who had yielded the living room for us to talk and gone into the study, came out.

Before the study door closed, I saw Yi Min looking this way with a troubled expression. Both my parents—Mom was choked up with tears, and Dad’s face was flushed with anger. My face was probably terribly distorted too.

“I didn’t want to interfere, but as an Aura Adapter, I must speak.”

Kwon Su-han, as always, was calm and composed. He walked deliberately and calmly, sat next to me, and placed his hand on my trembling hand as he continued speaking.

“It is true that Ira’s trauma and fan phobia are at a level that requires treatment.”

“R-right? So, he should quit being an idol quickly…!”

“Despite that, for eight months, even though he was terrified of people, couldn’t eat food, and was wasting away like this, he kept enduring and holding on.”

Kwon Su-han’s eyes met mine.

His cold face, but his eyes were so gentle and warm…

My heart twitched with an odd sensation, and the hand gripping mine tightened with stronger force.

With that fleeting eye contact, he gave me immense relief, then looked back at my parents with a sharp gaze.

“What do you think is the reason for that?”

“…….”

“What do you think is the reason Ira endured that terrible time for eight months?”

“…….”

Of course, there is only one reason. It’s so obvious that they can’t answer.

‘Because he doesn’t want to quit being an idol.’

My parents’ expressions crumbled as if they had heard a tragic story. I couldn’t bear to look at them any longer, and as soon as that feeling arose, Kwon Su-han spoke.

“Let’s go out and talk separately.”

His voice was resolute, as if allowing no argument.