S Chapter 63

Soon, U-dam’s lips parted, and harsh words spilled out.

“Shin Taekyung also came. That bastard didn’t come here, right?”

Calling an adult ‘that bastard’! The Confucian boy in my heart tried to rise up, but I quickly made him kneel. Hey. Can’t you see he’s in a bad mood right now? Step up when it’s time. Conviction clashed with the desire (to be loved by my brother). Of course, as always, the latter was the winner.

“Yeah. He didn’t come.”

…That’s right. Shin Jukyeong had long ago abandoned such convictions!

An older brother loved by his younger siblings is the best. Who cares about mere etiquette… However, whether Jukyeong craved love or not, U-dam’s attitude showed no sign of changing.

“Is this a time to be so calm?”

He stood up abruptly and approached. Thump, thump, thump! His footsteps were very agitated.

“Shin Jukyeong. I’m telling you, I was the one who manifested, not you! Can’t you hear me?”

“Huh? No. I hear you fine.”

“Ah… this is driving me crazy.”

U-dam slapped his chest with his palm. The more he spoke, the more agitated he seemed to become.

“You mean you’re not angry that I achieved what you’ve clung to your whole life, without any effort?”

Frowning, U-dam spoke as if pressing Jukyeong. However, it wasn’t a taunt like ‘I did it, but you couldn’t, right?’ Rather, there was a strong sense of incomprehension.

He’s not a saint, so what? ‘Congratulations’?

‘Is he an idiot?’

U-dam stared at Shin Jukyeong with an incredulous expression. It was a reaction he simply couldn’t comprehend. After all, wasn’t it a dream he had clung to his whole life? If a third party achieved a dream he had failed at, without any effort or cost, it was natural to feel envy and jealousy. Regardless of talent or anything else, it was only natural to be frustrated to death.

However, Shin Jukyeong genuinely seemed unfazed.

‘There’s a limit to how nice a person can be. This hopeless bastard.’

Instead of being filled with rage, he just kept repeating foolish words like ‘thank you for saving me’ and ‘congratulations’ with a clear face.

‘Ugh, I don’t want to hear it.’

My chest felt heavy, as if I had indigestion. It would have been better if he just ignored me coldly like before. Ah, don’t misunderstand. It’s not that I want to see Shin Jukyeong frustrated. It was different from that. It was just that I didn’t like how he acted as if he had given up everything.

Actually, Shin Jukyeong was also a victim in this incident. Moreover, it was he who tried to save the children. Nevertheless, no one paid any attention to Shin Jukyeong. Not even Shin Taekyung. He used to be terrifyingly obsessive, but he discarded him so easily.

‘In such a situation, how can he offer congratulations?’

Does he have no pride for the man he likes? What if he regrets this later? What if he resents me belatedly? Wow, it feels unfair just imagining it. Even though I didn’t do anything myself, it felt as if I had taken something Shin Jukyeong should have had. That wasn’t pleasant at all.

‘If he ends up hating me like this…’

My flowing thoughts suddenly snagged at one point.

Screech, thud.

‘If he ends up hating me…’

Screech, thud—

‘If he ends up hating me…’

Screech. Thud.

‘Hate…’

It replayed endlessly like a broken radio. U-dam’s lips slowly parted.

‘Just now, what did he say? Receive what? Hate…?’

Like a salmon, he swam upstream through his thoughts. Rapidly rewinding from ‘saint’. Then he reached a conclusion.

‘Why, damn it. Did I think such a thing?’

I don’t want to see Shin Jukyeong frustrated? What’s Shin Jukyeong’s situation? I feel like I’m taking Shin Jukyeong’s things? U-dam covered his mouth with a large hand, ‘Hmph!’

‘Why am I worrying about that?’

So what if he gets a little hate?

‘What am I even worried about?’

He felt his mental state crumbling in real-time. No one had attacked him, but he was taking hits all by himself. It was like a parade of consecutive own goals. He might as well perform a celebratory ceremony.

“Hey, U-dam?”

Startled by the sudden call, he turned his head just as Shin Jukyeong leaned in, his face filled with curiosity. Their eyes met. It was as if stars were twinkling. The distance between the two had become very close.

At the unique scent that wafted over, he felt his blood inexplicably quicken. Thump, thump. His heart rapidly plummeted. There it was again. This damned throbbing. It was like riding a Viking ship.

‘I hate this feeling.’

U-dam bit his lip. Only Shin Jukyeong looked flustered by his displeased expression.

“Are you okay…?”

“Ah…”

It was rare for him to be speechless. U-dam merely gaped. This was because, contrary to his self-deprecating thoughts, not even a wry laugh emerged.

“I’m sorry. I’m so bad with words, did I make another mistake?”

Shin Jukyeong, misunderstanding something, suddenly apologized and clung to him. His eyebrows were drooping, making him look like an abandoned puppy. Damn it. He should push him away and say it wasn’t like that, but strangely, the words wouldn’t come out.

“…That.”

The sensation of his heart constricting was vivid. A strange impatience swallowed U-dam. The kinder the guy was, the more so.

“U-dam?”

At Shin Jukyeong’s call, words impulsively burst out. Instead of ‘It’s not like that,’ what came out was a confusing question that U-dam himself couldn’t comprehend.

“Don’t you hate me?”

His voice trailed off. This was the first time something like this had happened. A strange sorrow slowly crept up. He also felt a little embarrassed… U-dam bowed his head deeply, his earlobes flushed red. His skin was so hot it stung. He felt like biting his tongue and dying.

“What?”

However, Shin Jukyeong seemed just as surprised as U-dam. He blinked his wide eyes repeatedly. His voice even trembled, as if he had heard something completely unexpected.

‘Even you must think it sounds really stupid, right?’

U-dam hurt himself by lowering his gaze diagonally.

…What? Jukyeong was dumbfounded.

‘Don’t you hate me?’

The trailing voice pierced his chest. Why would he think such useless thoughts?

‘There’s no way I could hate you.’

Is this what it feels like when the sky collapses? Jukyeong couldn’t guess why his brother was self-harming. He had to find an answer quickly. Suppressing his urgent feelings, he slowly replayed the conversation he had with U-dam in his mind.

‘You mean you’re not angry that I achieved what you’ve clung to your whole life, without any effort?’

…Surely not.

“Ha.”

Jukyeong sighed and lowered his head. At the same time, he ran his palm over his chapped lips. Now he understood. He hadn’t thought such a rational child would worry about something like that.

‘I made him feel self-conscious.’

A belated apology welled up. He felt another surge of indignation at himself for not being more sensitive. He had done this for U-dam’s sake, but he hadn’t actually taken care of the boy’s feelings. Had he been too fixated on his goal? He reflected anew, wondering if this made him no different from his father.

“U-dam. Your older brother…”

Jukyeong cleared his throat.

“I can’t hate you.”

Not ‘I don’t hate you,’ but ‘I can’t hate you.’ A subtle yet clear difference. Yes. That was right. Jukyeong couldn’t hate U-dam. In Shin Jukyeong’s life, hating him was impossible from the start.

“I’m actually happy you manifested.”

“Happy?”

When U-dam questioned him, as if unable to believe it, Jukyeong nodded. Of course, unfortunately, he couldn’t tell him the whole truth. Even if he did, U-dam wouldn’t believe him. So, he could only convey his sincerity as indirectly as possible.

“I worked hard because I wanted to become a Hunter. As you can see, it didn’t quite go as planned, though.”

Jukyeong clicked his tongue. Then, he stretched out a sound as if in thought before opening his mouth again.

“But even so…”

He slowly reached out a hand and gently stroked along U-dam’s shoulder. It was a touch clearly filled with deep affection. The gaze and voice that followed were just as warm as his touch. It was a profound love that not just anyone could give. Jukyeong raised his head to meet his eyes. His face, holding a faint smile, looked quite happy.

“I’m not so petty as to be jealous of the growth of someone I love.”

U-dam’s shoulder visibly flinched.

“I hope you do well. I truly mean it.”

Your older brother will always support you. U-dam, who had quietly listened to Jukyeong’s conclusion, tightly grasped the hand that was stroking his shoulder.

“You said it before. That I’m precious.”

“Huh? Yeah.”

“What’s the expiration date?”

Contrary to his calm voice, the words that came out were unexpected. Expiration date? What did he mean? Jukyeong blinked. But U-dam was serious. He didn’t seem to be joking. When Jukyeong, unable to understand, made a face requesting an explanation, he turned his head away. It was as if he wanted to hide his trembling gaze.

“It’s just… feelings get used up.”

He squinted one eye, speaking as if in distress.

“…Ah.”

A sigh escaped Jukyeong’s lips. He understood what he meant. The child couldn’t fully trust the affection of others. It made sense. Given U-dam’s background, loneliness must have always followed him. His father was a given, and Jukyeong himself had only recently shown him attention. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how lonely he must have been.

For such a child to open his heart to someone might require considerable courage. No. It definitely would.