ID Chapter 16

That night, everyone entered the dorm in a subtle atmosphere. As soon as I came out after showering, Jae-yi grabbed me. Mun was also waiting with his arms crossed, and Han-sae and Yadan were sitting side by side. It seemed the members were really determined.

I had calmed my impetuous, pounding heart a bit. A little while ago, I had a brief conversation with Yong-jun.

“Ira. I trust you’ll handle it maturely, as always… Let’s discuss it with CEO Shin Dong-woo and reveal it after the promotions are over. Please, as the mature one, understand, considering the shock the members might receive.”

That was the gist of Yong-jun’s message. I genuinely brightened up.

“You’ll really reveal it after the promotions end, right, hyung? Really?”

“Uh… after discussing it with CEO Shin Dong-woo.”

“I’m so frustrated, I don’t want to hide it anymore, you know? Honestly, I feel like I’m going to explode.”

“For now… don’t say anything to the members, and let’s arrange a meeting with CEO Shin Dong-woo soon. I’m also frustrated just watching this anymore.”

The conversation ended like that. I thought it was a conclusion with some results. But.

“Now tell us. Why didn’t you eat the lunchbox and ate cup ramen instead?”

“…….”

“Stop making excuses and tell us the truth.”

I thought it was a conclusion with some results. But. But.

Ah… I want to tell them. I want to tell them so, so badly.

It’s because I was afraid it contained poison. Poison…

Someone gave me a Cyanide Cookie to kill me. That’s why I haven’t eaten anything given by your fans since then. I wanted to tell them so much that if I opened my lips, it felt like it would all just pour out. If it were the members, if it were Jae-yi, they would comfort me. They would hug me, and they would catch the culprit. I also want to let everything go now and feel at ease. I want to stop thinking of these excuses and live with all my actions understood.

But… I suppressed it again this time. Just a little more patience. Just a little more…

“Honestly, I really just craved cup ramen. I wanted to eat that spicy broth with seasoning, you know.”

“Stop that bullshit.”

“Ah, why do you keep calling what I say bullshit? It’s the truth. What reason would I have to lie?”

This exact exchange of questions and answers repeated more than three times. Eventually, all the other members were on my side.

“Hey, stop bothering Ira. He’s going to get stressed out.”

“Hyung, please believe Ira.”

“Ira said so. Let’s stop. Is this something to argue about in the middle of promotions?”

Jae-yi seemed utterly frustrated, unable to understand the other members at all.

“Ha, damn it…”

Originally, Jae-yi had a cool and calm personality, but today’s Black Panther seemed to have a bit of a fiery temper emerging. At times like this, it’s best to soothe him gently without provoking him.

“Let’s talk about it again after our promotions are over, okay? Let’s discuss it slowly and leisurely then.”

I didn’t forget skinship either. I grabbed Jae-yi’s firm forearm and looked up at him, blinking. After much pleading and coaxing,

“Phew, fine. I’ll let it slide this time. Prepare yourself, because after promotions, I’m going to hear about all your suspicious antics.”

Jae-yi was the one who, breathing roughly, finally succumbed to my scheme. The members, though not as much as me, were also greatly relieved. It wasn’t until after midnight that everyone scattered to their own rooms.

My head was aching, so I swallowed a painkiller and was contemplating whether to leave the disposal of lunchboxes to Yong-jun for the time being. Knock, knock, two distinct knocks were heard, then the door burst open.

“Jae-yi?”

That rascal Jae-yi came in carrying a scale.

While I stared wide-eyed, he placed it squarely in front of me and said, “Get on.”

“Ah, you said you’d let it go! You said you’d listen after this album!”

“Shut up and get on quickly.”

“Ah, no. Why do you want to know my weight?”

“Ira. Look at me and tell me straight.”

“What?”

“Don’t I have the right to know?”

“…….”

“Don’t I have the right to know how much weight you’ve lost, and if it’s a dangerous level for your health?”

Of course… you do. You and I have rights concerning each other. No, actually, it would be more accurate to say ‘had’.

I understand Jae-yi’s anger. Jae-yi was angry at me for keeping secrets from him. We weren’t the kind of people who kept secrets from each other.

As I stood still, Jae-yi gently took my forearm.

“It’s too thin.”

Jae-yi’s brow furrowed relentlessly. At times like this, he truly seemed like a humanized Black Panther.

“…Alright. But you have to tell me your weight too.”

Jae-yi nodded, with a look that said, ‘What do you need to know that for?’

I stepped onto the scale. The needle precariously pointed at 43.

“42…?”

Jae-yi mumbled as if he couldn’t believe it. I corrected him, saying it was 43, but,

“42, you said…?”

It seemed he didn’t hear me.

“Why… in just 8 months, why have you lost so much?”

“I dieted hard, you know.”

Even at 42kg, I can sing, dance, walk, and run just fine. Although I’m underweight, it’s not to the point of worrying like this.

“Damn it… stop that goddamn diet now.”

“Yeah, I was going to anyway. I’m too thin, so my clothes don’t look good. I should start gaining weight again soon.”

I lied to reassure him. Did Jae-yi know his eyes were shaking relentlessly like a sailboat in a storm? I had mentioned losing 15kg in a magazine interview… Even then, he was shocked, but seeing the numbers now seemed to shock him anew.

I asked a distraught Jae-yi to tell me his weight too. Jae-yi was extremely healthy. That’s a relief.

After Jae-yi left, I collapsed onto the bed and pressed my throbbing head into the pillow. Yong-jun told me to wait until these promotions were over. If I could just endure a little longer, I would be able to reveal everything. Just a little longer.

A few days later, a message arrived.

Kwon Su-han [The Apple Juice results are in.]

[What was in it?]

Kwon Su-han [I’ll tell you when I see your face.]

[I finish in the afternoon, free after 6 PM.]

Kwon Su-han [I’ll go to the dorm entrance at 6 PM.]

[Ok ok.]

What could have been in the Apple Juice? I should prepare myself. By the way, how is this person only thirty-two but talks like such an old man?

I barely managed to make time between my busy schedule to meet Kwon Su-han once. We went to a sushi restaurant, and after eating deliciously, I felt unwell during dessert and threw it all up. After gripping the toilet and emptying my stomach, I came out to find Kwon Su-han standing there with a cold, furrowed expression. Kwon Su-han clicked his tongue, then took me to a private room and quietly calmed my aura.

Does everyone become so calm and mature at thirty-two? I thought about it for a moment, but considering Yong-jun hyung is thirty-three, it seems Kwon Su-han is indeed unusual.

I closed the chat window and opened an internet browser. Right on the first screen, the Ira Chick Meme appeared. Hehe..

“What are you doing? You’re on your phone a lot these days.”

As I was grinning, Jae-yi came over. I showed Jae-yi the Ira Chick Meme.

“Do you know this?”

“Of course I know. So you finally found out too.”

“A fan just made this composite for me.”

“Yeah. It’s cute.”

Jae-yi replied nonchalantly. I felt frustrated.

“They took magazine photos, then searched for chick photos, and it must have been so hard to find similar poses, but they found them, spent time compositing them, and uploaded them, you know?”

“Well… it probably wasn’t that hard.”

Jae-yi was indifferent. Looking at me, passionately speaking, he said,

“You’d faint if you saw fans making videos and dolls.”

Have the members always felt this way when they see fans? Have they come to take this for granted, to the point where they’re not even touched by it? If so, do they even realize how happily they’ve lived?

I almost retorted, but stopped myself. Jae-yi and the other members deserve to receive such love and passion. They are amazing and perfect idols, worthy of taking such enthusiasm for granted. Unlike me.

Fans who like such idols will freely express their admiration and post online. But… will this person be okay? Might they be criticized for liking someone like me? I’m worried that by posting things like this online, they might get malicious comments asking how they could like someone like Ira, receive critical messages, or even have their personal information exposed. Jae-yi must be glad he doesn’t have to worry about things like that.

“Why did your expression get serious again?”

“Huh? Oh, nothing. Has the commercial not ended yet? Why are you out here?”

“It’ll be over soon. Let’s go in.”

“Okay.”

I put my phone in my pocket and went into the booth. Since it was a visible radio show, Han-sae and Mun hyung were diligently doing fan service during the commercial break, but since I hardly have any fans to serve, I just stayed outside.

My mind was tangled and my head started to ache, so as I pressed my temples, Part 2 began.

“Alright, let’s see what song requests came in during the commercial break, shall we? Endorphin members, please look with me and choose a song.”

At the DJ sunbaenim’s words, I looked at the screen. It was one request per two people, so I put my face close to Jae-yi’s.

┗..Hate Ira..

I kept seeing only words like that, which made me embarrassed in front of Jae-yi.

“There are overwhelmingly many messages asking us to sing ‘Cheer Up’. Ira, have you sung ‘Cheer Up’ somewhere before?”

“That’s the song Ira sang for his audition. He also sang it on the radio recently.”

Jae-yi quickly replied. He also added that it was very good. The members also chimed in for me to sing it, and the sunbaenim wanted to hear it, so I sang a verse a cappella. I hadn’t seen any of the request messages, so I sang it wondering when they had come in… and everyone went wild, saying it was so pitiful and sad.

Mun hyung sang the official requested song. Jae-yi was watching the messages scroll up on the screen, then tapped me. When I mouthed “why?”, he grinned and gently stroked my hair back. It was that again. I had no idea why this counted as ‘fan service’… I felt my ears instantly flush red, but I turned my head away, trying not to show it.

After Mun hyung’s song ended, it was time to read stories again.

“This is a story sent in by Woojin from NCT. Hello, I’m a fifteen-year-old student attending a mid-level humanities track middle school. Actually, I like singing and dancing more than studying. I want to become a cool idol like you hyungs, but my parents won’t give me permission. Please tell me how you hyungs got your parents’ permission. Woojin, that must be a big worry. It’s hard when the dream you want and the future your parents want are different. How was it for you Endorphin members?”

“Hmm, for me, my mother wanted to send me into entertainment since I was little, so it doesn’t apply.”

“Ah, Mun was a child actor, wasn’t he? What about Han-sae?”

“Oh, the opposition was severe. But since I was so bad at studying, they figured I had no choice but to make a living with my looks, so they gave their permission. Khuh-huh-huh.”

“Hahaha, that’s a bittersweet story.”

The sunbaenim then asked the other members.

Yadan’s mother works in the entertainment industry, so there was no problem for him, but Jae-yi and I had quite a bit of conflict.

Since both of Jae-yi’s parents are representatives of the Asura Kingdom, they hoped that Jae-yi would smoothly grow into a political career, stepping onto the carpet that was already laid out for him. Furthermore, as an S-class Motioner, he was likely expected to be someone who would lead the future of the kingdom. However, Jae-yi is a lone wolf type who doesn’t care about his parents’ wishes… I’ll never forget the sight of the famously charismatic Representative Ra Han-don holding onto Jae-yi’s clothes and pleading tearfully, “Can’t you reconsider…?” on the day Endorphin entered their dorm.

“To be honest, there wasn’t anything specific I wanted to do. It didn’t matter what I did, but Go Yu-jin hyung brought me into this field. I stood on stage a couple of times as a trainee, and it suited my aptitude quite well. The idea of sword dancing was also interesting, so I chose to become an idol.”

“Ah, I see.”

The sunbaenim no longer asked how Jae-yi persuaded his parents. Mentions of them had to stop there.

“Now that you mention it, Go Yu-jin ended up leaving the entertainment industry and went into politics, didn’t he…”

In the end, Go Yu-jin hyung was brought up again. Mun hyung said.

“It’s a shame, but he chose that path because of his convictions. We support each other.”

“That’s right. And thanks to that, our Ira also joined.”

“Ah.”

I listened quietly, then lifted my head as if struck by lightning. Everyone was smiling. Jae-yi wasn’t smiling, but the other members were in a cheerful mood. The senior looked at me as if expecting an answer. I barely managed to open my mouth.

“Well, it’s a great pity that Go Yu-jin left, and though I can’t fill his shoes, I will work hard not to cause any trouble.”

The lines I had repeated countless times since my debut unconsciously flowed out. The members burst into laughter, saying I sounded like a robot. My heart throbbed, and my expression became strange as I contorted it, then tried to pretend to smile again.

“5764 just sent a message saying, ‘Ira oppa still hasn’t answered how he got his parents’ permission!!’ Of course, I was going to ask. I’m not some clumsy DJ who forgets things like that. Hehe. Ira, please answer.”

“Well, my, uh, my father was against it… my mother gave her permission, and, uh…”

I stammered like an idiot. I pinched my thigh hard to collect myself, but it was no use.

“Ira, were you dozing off? What’s wrong? Hehehe.”

“If I may answer for him, Ira had the most conflict among us. Both his parents were against it, but after Ira and CEO Shin Dong-woo persuaded them, his mother finally gave her permission, and he was barely able to decide to debut. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Ira’s mother!”

“Thank you, Ira’s mother!”

The members even bowed their heads towards the camera. Seeing that, I regained a bit of my composure.

“Ira, why don’t you leave a video message for your mother? She must be listening now.”

“She won’t be listening. It’s morning where Mom is right now.”

“Oh, are they overseas? The whole family?”

“Yes, they immigrated to Ezibidi.”

“Ira is a ‘goose son,’ hahahaha.”

Han-sae made a boring joke. After that, they moved on to a different story.

After the radio show, I checked my phone and saw the family group chat blinking.

Mom [Mom was listening]

It must be 9 AM there, but she was listening…

[Thanks for letting me be an idol >////]

After I sent the reply, the unread count became 0. My father is also in this group chat. I talk to Mom often, but it’s been a while since I last contacted Dad. In the group chat, he seems to silently read all the conversations between Mom, me, and my younger sibling, but he hasn’t said a single word since my debut. It seems Dad is still against me being an idol.

“If this gets out, will your parents allow it? Think carefully, Ira. You just barely debuted; are you planning to ruin everything?”

There were several reasons why the cyanide incident wasn’t revealed. Protecting the image of a newly debuted idol, the difficulty of dealing with further controversy, and my parents’ opposition…

I wanted to be an idol so badly, and I had barely gotten permission. I thought that if this incident became known, they would have stopped me from being an idol even if they had to bring out a stick. At the time, I believed this decision was right. But now, I don’t know. Now, I really don’t know…