ID Chapter 17

Today’s last schedule was a magazine interview. It was a typical schedule, with a short interview following a simple photoshoot, but there was one thing that wasn’t typical. Today’s concept was ‘Dogs and Idols’.

“Ah, damn. So cute. Let’s raise a dog at the dorm too.”

“We can’t raise one, but it really is cute. What kind of dog did they say it was?”

“A long-haired chihuahua. Ira hyung…”

Yadan stopped speaking and glanced at me. I gave a slight smile to show I was okay.

Whimper… whimper

A baby long-haired chihuahua, probably about six months old, was charmingly playing in Yadan’s large hands. So cute… They said the baby’s name was Cherry. It was so cute that I wanted to take photos and videos, but I held back. Han-sae and Mun hyung even posted it on SNS. Jae-yi was aloof and showed no interest in Cherry.

“Ira, aren’t you going to touch it? Why are you staying so far away?”

“Uh… I’m not really interested.”

“You look incredibly interested. Go ahead and touch it, play with it.”

“No, I’m good.”

Cherry was cute, but that’s why I looked away. In any case, during the photoshoot, I would have to touch it, hold it, cuddle it, and dote on it. It’s such a baby, I’m afraid it’ll get tired… I should try to finish as quickly as possible.

When taking a two-shot with Jae-yi, Jae-yi had changed into clothes that shouldn’t get too much dog fur on them, so I held it. It had been so long since I’d held such a small dog that my posture felt a bit awkward.

“Is it heavy?”

“Of course not. It’s such a tiny baby.”

“You’re small too.”

“You little punk.”

When I glared at him, he chuckled. His smile was so cool again that I grumbled and adjusted my hold on Cherry. My eyes met Cherry’s pebble-like black eyes. As it whimpered, I blinked and asked, “Mm, what is it??”

“..Heheheh..”

I heard a low laugh from above my head, but since it was clearly Jae-yi, I ignored it.

I think I changed clothes at least five times. It felt strangely like there were many two-shots with Jae-yi… Anyway, a photoshoot that would normally have been difficult was enjoyable because Cherry was with us.

After the photoshoot, it was time for the interview. Han-sae held Cherry on his lap during the interview. I had a hard time stopping my gaze from constantly drifting to Cherry. Its dozing, blinking eyes were truly adorable.

The normal interview, covering recent activities and album introductions, proceeded as usual, followed by questions fitting the ‘Dogs and Idols’ concept.

“Have any of you in Endorphin ever raised a dog?”

Mun hyung and Yadan replied that they had. I remained silent. When Mun hyung and Yadan finished talking about their pets, the editor asked me.

“Oh, by the way, we did a little research, and what are those dog photos on Ira’s Instagram? We thought it was Ira’s pet.”

“…Ah, that.”

The question was directed at me, but Han-sae looked flustered and tried to answer. Jae-yi was silently watching me. I opened my mouth, wearing an idol’s smile.

“Yes, it’s my pet… Mallang-i. Isn’t she cute?”

“I knew it. What a cute name. A long-haired chihuahua, right? How old is she?”

“She was five years old. If she were alive, she’d be six this year.”

“Ah… I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

The editor was momentarily flustered, then asked cautiously.

“Was she sick?”

“…She ate something she shouldn’t have.”

My voice came out drier than I intended.

The members knew that Mallang-i had crossed the rainbow bridge, but they didn’t know the reason why. I thought that the members, and Endorphin’s fans who would read this magazine interview, should know the reason now. I cleared my throat a couple of times and continued speaking.

“While I wasn’t looking, she ate something she shouldn’t have. She was so healthy, but there was nothing I could do. I was so sad when Mallang-i left, but now I believe she’s living happily in a place free of pain. Watching over me from above.”

The interview concluded warmly. The editor apologized again, and the members patted my shoulder, comforting me.

Inside the car on the way back to the dorm, I thought about Mallang-i.

I had been living alone since I was 16, attending an arts and sports school, and because I was so lonely, a friend gave her to me to try raising. It was temporary at first, but after just one week, I couldn’t bear to give her back, so we decided to live together.

I begged and pleaded to bring Mallang-i into the dorm, even though I wasn’t supposed to. Mallang-i was my friend, my family. During the incredibly difficult period after deciding to debut, I was able to endure because Mallang-i was there. Whenever I was crying alone with my knees hugged to my chest because of endless rumors and malicious comments, Mallang-i would lick my toes and comfort me.

It happened so suddenly. She didn’t even give me a chance to say goodbye. While I was taking a quick shower, Mallang-i was found dead amidst cookie crumbs, foaming at the mouth. Mallang-i saved my life and died because of me. I had resolved never to raise another pet, and never to forgive myself or Endorphin’s fans, but now… I’m not so sure. Endorphin’s fans had tried to kill me, not Mallang-i.

It was me who stubbornly insisted on bringing Mallang-i to the dorm, it was me who left the cookie where Mallang-i could reach it, it was me who received the Cyanide Cookie, and ultimately, my very existence prompted the creation of such a cookie, so I know now that it’s all my fault. I’m so sorry, Mallang-i.

“Ira-ya.”

I had just arrived back at the dorm and was changing my clothes, when Jae-yi, who usually just called me ‘Ira’, suddenly called out ‘Ira-ya’ affectionately from outside the door, giving me goosebumps. I opened the door and dramatically shivered.

“Why are you calling me in such a cringey way? Did you do something wrong?”

“…Do you always have to react like that?”

Jae-yi, who had been looking serious, patted my head with an expression that seemed to say ‘you ruined the mood’. Jae-yi closed the door, came in, and sat on my bed.

“I’m grateful you handled the interview so well, even though it must have been difficult earlier.”

“No… it wasn’t really that difficult.”

“…I told you not to pretend to be okay in front of me.”

Jae-yi’s mood changed in an instant. His eyes darkened, and an undeniable oppressiveness emanated from him. Perhaps other people would have said, ‘Yes, I’m sorry,’ but I can act differently in front of Jae-yi than others.

“So what do you want me to do? Cry in your arms?”

“I’d rather you do that.”

“Are you crazy?”

“You used to.”

I was speechless. It wasn’t that long ago, so I couldn’t pretend not to know. After Mallang-i left, I truly did cry my eyes out in Jae-yi’s arms.

“..Are you going somewhere?”

Jae-yi asked, as if only just noticing my outfit. I was dressed for going out because I had an appointment with Kwon Su-han.

“Yeah, an appointment with an old classmate. You should go out and meet some friends too. You have to make plans on days like today when schedules end early, otherwise, when will you ever have fun?”

“I suppose it’s that classmate from last time.”

“..That’s right.”

How did he know?

Jae-yi pulled my arm. Jae-yi’s hand moved past my forearm, elbow, and wrist, reaching my hand. Jae-yi’s hand was firm and warm. It was a temperature I liked. I tried to pull my hand away, but Jae-yi held it with more force. Our eyes met. I couldn’t move, as if captivated. The distance was too close. When I turned my head, Jae-yi held my chin and made me look at him.

“Why, what.”

“Did you eat at least one proper meal today?”

Damn it, does he always have to talk about food in this kind of atmosphere?

“I’m going to eat dinner there. Hey, did you set this mood just to say that?”

“Let’s go out together this weekend when we have time off.”

“Go out where?”

“…Like before.”

A trace of bitterness lingered in Jae-yi’s eyes.

“We used to go shopping, watch movies, visit arcades, and seek out good restaurants together. It’s been a long time since we went out together, using ‘being busy’ as an excuse since debut.”

“…….”

“We used to hang out a lot together back then.”

‘Why… since some point.’

Jae-yi’s last words were so faint they were almost inaudible. My mind was flooded with things I wanted to say, and my lips parted, but I couldn’t say anything in the end. My heart throbbed, and I wanted to press my hand to my chest, but since my hand was held, I held back. Instead, I said something contrary to my feelings.

“Okay, let’s go out this weekend. A day trip with the members would be nice too.”

My voice trembled so badly that even I could hear it. Jae-yi let out a deflated laugh.

“What time will you be back today?”

“I don’t know. I might be late.”

“Can you watch TV at 10 PM?”

“..TV? Why suddenly… Ah, People Jae-yi? The one you’re on?”

“Yeah.”

“Is that on today? Why? Wasn’t it supposed to be next week?”

“I caused a bit of trouble. They must have been desperate to broadcast it quickly.”

Jae-yi smiled, but it didn’t look like a genuine smile; it seemed more like a scheming grin, and perhaps because of the atmosphere, it still looked bitter.

“I wanted to watch it with you, but you have an appointment.”

“…I’ll watch it if I can.”

I don’t want to see a bitter Jae-yi. I only want to see his charismatic, imposing, and strong self. Even if his fiery personality occasionally comes out, it’s better than this subdued appearance.

We didn’t make those choices back then to see each other like this… to create this situation, did we?

I met Kwon Su-han at the intersection in front of the dorm. It was a different kind of car from the one I rode last time. As soon as I got into the passenger seat, I quickly asked.

“What was in the Apple Juice?”

“Seatbelt.”

“What kind of poison was it? Not a laxative or anything, but a lethal poison?”

“…Put on your seatbelt.”

“Damn it…”

I grumbled, fastened it loosely, and glared at him with a ‘Done?’ look. Kwon Su-han sighed, unfastened the twisted seatbelt, and refastened it for me. Then he slowly started the car.

“Tell me now. What was in it?”

“Is there anything you want to eat?”

“Have you been teasing me since earlier, Mister?”

“…Mister?”

“You know how curious I am, how much I want to know. I haven’t slept for days wanting to know so badly…”

“I know. Still, let’s eat first and then talk.”

I grumbled, but Kwon Su-han was firm. The car drove slowly down the road. His driving was more careful than the manager hyung’s. The car models were different each time I’d seen them – the first time, the second time, and today. What happened to the car I threw up in? Although I hadn’t met him many times, I was certain that given his personality, he wouldn’t ask me to pay for it.

“What do you want to eat?”

“Udon.”

“If you’re going to eat, you might as well have rice.”

“What? Why did you ask, then?”

“Galbi-jjim, and…”

“Do you think I’m crazy about galbi-jjim or something?”

“You also eat seaweed soup well.”

“Alright. Let’s just go with what you decided.”

Kwon Su-han chuckled briefly. I turned my head to look out the window. The sky, dyed with the sunset, looked lonely. The passing cars, people, and buildings all looked lonely. I turned on my phone screen. The group chat was constantly blinking. The Endorphin group chat, the fellow debut members’ group chat, the old classmates’ group chat, the fellow trainees’ group chat… I idly read through each one and sent meaningless texts like [lol] just as we arrived at our destination.

When I got out in the parking lot, I thought it was a restaurant parking lot, but it wasn’t at all.

“A supermarket????? Why a supermarket?? Why??”

Surely we’re not going to a food court? I stared blankly at Kwon Su-han, and he skillfully pushed a shopping cart.

“We’re going to make it ourselves at my place.”

“Mr. Kwon Su-han’s house?? You cook too? Are you a good cook??”

“You and I, we’ll make it together.”

“Huh…”

Although I’ve lived alone for quite some time, I can’t cook. I’ve always bought food, or eaten what my mom made at home, or what someone else bought for me…

While I stood there dumbfounded, just blinking, Kwon Su-han grabbed his wallet and shopping bag and pulled the supermarket cart. He walked ahead, and when I didn’t follow, he looked back and simply nodded his chin. Still bewildered, I trailed after him.