ID Chapter 19

Kwon Su-han didn’t try to persuade me after that. He just gave me aura healing with a cold expression. What was he thinking while feeling all my complicated emotions? Sometimes I wonder what an Adapter feels.

Since aura healing made me drowsy, I fell asleep for a bit, then woke up to a familiar alarm sound. I fumbled for my hand, and someone placed a phone in it. Of course, that someone was Kwon Su-han.

“How long did I sleep?”

I rubbed my eyes with my left hand and turned off the alarm with my right. Kwon Su-han took my left hand and pulled it down.

“Don’t rub your eyes. It’s a bad habit.”

“How long did I sleep…”

“You slept for about an hour.”

They say many people get addicted to aura healing, and though this is only my second time, I think I understand why. My heightened sensitivity from the apple juice subsided, and my various worries disappeared. In particular, my guard against Kwon Su-han simply vanished. It would probably return once the effect wore off tomorrow, but… I didn’t want to leave this peace forever.

Wrapped in the soft blanket Kwon Su-han had seemingly placed over me, I rolled around on the living room floor.

“Ugh, it’s a bother to go back to the dorm.”

“I understand you don’t have a schedule tomorrow, so stay here and sleep.”

“How did you know I don’t have a schedule?”

“…….”

I peeked my face out from under the blanket and asked. Kwon Su-han closed his mouth. Had he joined a fan site or something? I jumped to conclusions and picked up the remote control.

I casually looked at my finger and saw a new bandage. He must have changed it while I was sleeping. He looked like a cold city man indifferent to the world, but he had a surprisingly kind side.

“Can I just watch one TV show before I go?”

“…So you set an alarm to watch that.”

“Yep…”

“Go ahead. And if you’re going to, you might as well sleep over.”

I had already turned on the television before he even gave permission. As I flipped through channels, Jae-yi appeared and was greeting the audience. Kwon Su-han said the floor was hard and lifted the blanket I was wrapped in onto the sofa. In other words, he lifted and moved me, still bundled in the blanket.

“Too light. What’s your weight?”

“Ugh… stop talking about my weight. It gives me a headache… Sit here. Let’s just watch TV together.”

I patted the spot next to me. Kwon Su-han sat down. I glanced over and saw that he was genuinely watching the screen very seriously. Even more seriously than I was.

“Jae-yi, we’re also curious about your love life. Is your ideal type someone of the opposite sex, or the same sex?”

“Well. My first love was someone of the same sex.”

“Ah, I’m sorry to ask and then be surprised, but goodness… I didn’t expect such a bombshell. As a program, we’re grateful, though. Uh, your manager looks pale over there.”

“It’s fine. Homosexuality isn’t a crime.”

“That… that person must have been happy to receive Jae-yi’s love.”

“At the time, I didn’t realize it was love. Looking back now, it was love. I realized it too late.”

Jae-yi gave a self-deprecating laugh.

“Looking back now, it’s clear the other person also had feelings for me, but they drifted away before I even noticed my own feelings. Like, after watching a movie and parting ways, no one would get up for two hours at the bus stop until the last bus, or meeting at the same time and place without any plans and spending the day together… When we went to a restaurant, I’d order what they liked first, not what I liked, and I prioritized our meetings over gatherings with friends. But at some point, the glances and touches we occasionally shared disappeared. I realized it too late.”

“Oh, that’s regrettable. What could have been the reason?”

“Well. I’m curious about that too. I always want to ask. Why their feelings changed, why they suddenly drifted so far away.”

“Ah… Jae-yi’s sincerity is coming through, and it’s quite touching. Is this person perhaps in the same profession as you?”

“I won’t say that much, but I believe they’re definitely watching this. Maybe even watching it with someone else.”

Jae-yi looked directly into the camera.

“I want to know why. Why did you suddenly let go of my hand when we were getting along so well? Why did we drift so far apart? Why on earth…”

When I came to my senses, the broadcast was over. Kwon Su-han offered to drive me home, but I declined and hailed a taxi. I wanted to go back alone, but Kwon Su-han pushed me into the backseat, fastened my seatbelt, and then sat next to me. At this rate, it would have been better to just take Kwon Su-han’s car.

“Hey… are you alright?”

On the way, I was so lost in thought that Kwon Su-han repeatedly asked if I was alright. I nodded.

We got out at the park in front of the dorm. Kwon Su-han was about to get out too, but I declined.

“Go in. It’s late.”

“…You’re late too, hurry inside.”

“Yes, I’ll go in soon.”

I smiled to reassure him. Kwon Su-han didn’t seem pleased, but perhaps understanding my desire to be alone, he left.

I just lingered in the park, unable to go into the dorm.

After ignoring calls that had been coming in for a while, a message arrived.

[Did you watch the broadcast?]

[I have something to say, so answer the phone. Let’s talk after you answer.]

[Ira, answer the phone.]

The caller was… Mun Hyung.

Suddenly, something surged up from inside me. I quickly found the park restroom. Thankfully, it was late, so no one was there. Under the yellow light, I clutched the toilet and vomited up everything inside. The things I had eaten with Kwon Su-han spilled out. The foul smell made it impossible to suppress the urge to vomit further. After throwing up so much that only stomach acid came out, I felt dizzy. I pressed my forehead to calm the dizziness, then rinsed my mouth at the sink.

“Haa…”

I sat on a cold bench and collected my thoughts.

Jae-yi seemed to have used words like ‘bus stop’ and so on, which weren’t part of our relationship, in an attempt to hide things, but Mun Hyung would have understood who he was talking about.

Jae-yi and I had that kind of relationship. We were often together, just the two of us, and though Mun hyung and Han-sae would complain for us to include them, Jae-yi and I, as if by unspoken agreement, never called anyone else. We didn’t particularly want to call anyone else. From the moment I first met Jae-yi after joining this company… it was like… I had lost my sense of reason. In fact, it wasn’t that long ago. From our trainee days, when Jae-yi debuted with Endorphin, when my joining was decided, and even during our busy activities, we would meet and spend time together whenever we had a chance.

Jae-yi must also know the “someday” he mutters about with frustration, as in “since someday.” That we were a very special pair, and that there were people who worried about it. Seeing the flood of criticism after I joined, and seeing Jae-yi get angrier than if it were his own problem, I also felt the need to define this relationship that was too ambiguous to be just “friends” anymore. That Jae-yi should meet someone better than me. Someone better than a flawed and selfish person like me… a woman.

As the MC on the broadcast was also flustered, homosexuality is not something that is fully welcomed. Although things have become much more liberal these days, the reality is that there are still only a couple of idols who have come out. When asked about their ideal type, they are asked first if they prefer the opposite sex or the same sex, but when someone actually reveals they are homosexual, people tend to be flustered. Furthermore, we are in the same group and live in the same dorm… We will probably be asked such questions ceaselessly after today’s broadcast. “Jae-yi, since you are homosexual, how is it okay for you to live with male members?”

There is one more important reason. That I am someone hated by the entire nation. I am so hated by the world that there are ceaseless attempts to kill me, and if they knew I had an emotional connection with someone like that, they might even turn on Jae-yi. I was afraid of that… and I couldn’t let the group Endorphin become embroiled in controversy repeatedly because of me. Because of someone like me…

The conclusion is that I am too inadequate a person to receive Jae-yi’s feelings, and Jae-yi should meet a more suitable woman and have a happy, carefree relationship.

“I want to know the reason. Why you suddenly let go of my hand when we were doing well. Why we’ve grown so distant. Why, just why…”

Those words flustered me. You already know, even if I don’t explain these lengthy reasons. Jae-yi shouldn’t pretend he knew nothing and say it was sudden. You were flustered because I suddenly created distance?

A lie.

“…Where have you been?”

“Oh? Mun hyung.”

“Did you just come from playing with Jae-yi?”

That incident is still vivid in my memory.

“Ira, it still seems too early for many things. We just debuted, and there was a lot of gossip due to Go Yu-jin’s departure. Same-sex romance within the team, really.”

“…Hyung, we’re just…”

“You know I was a child actor, right?”

“…Yeah.”

“I always wanted to be a star, and I staked my life on the team Endorphin, even giving up acting. We finally debuted, but right after our debut, Go Yu-jin left… I’m tired of controversies and arguments now. I want to live peacefully now.”

“I know. I won’t cause trouble. I’ll keep it a secret…”

“Jae-yi agreed too.”

Jae-yi shouldn’t say it was sudden.

“He agreed to only remain friends from now on. So you should respect Jae-yi’s choice too. This is better for your future as well.”

…He himself. The one who chose this relationship, he himself.