ID Chapter 24

Because it was a fan signing event combined with a mini fan meeting, we played some short games. We picked fans for each member, especially those who weren’t holding a photo card, making it unclear whose fan they were. The fan Mun picked was a Jae-yi fan. Jae-yi also picked a Jae-yi fan, Han-sae picked Yadan’s fans, and Yadan picked Mun’s fan.

I pointed to a fan in the second row. The fan came up with an excited expression. They looked similar to me, or perhaps older. I offered a handshake, but it was naturally ignored. It was a slight that only I could feel. I stood behind the fan, who looked at the members with bright, sparkling eyes.

“Whose fan is the person Ira chose? Are you perhaps older than us, a noona?”

“I like all of Endorphin~ Yes, I’m an older fan.”

“Aw, still, if you had to pick just one? You know you have to choose, noona~~”

“Right now, Han-sae and Ira haven’t gotten a vote. I wonder? Drumroll, please.”

“Hmm, there is a member who feels like the spiritual home that made me fall for Endorphin. Our Yu-jin!”

Ah… my heart sank. My anxiety was spot on. So, she was a Go Yu-jin fan. Of all people, why me… This fan must have really bad luck to get stuck with me. A hollow, brittle laugh escaped me.

After the introductions, we played a few short games with the fan. Neither the fan nor I were particularly good, so we came in last. It was obvious the fan wasn’t very interested in me, and since all the games required teamwork, it was an expected outcome.

The fan’s expression grew increasingly stiff. I apologized.

“I’m sorry. I’m bad at games…”

“You really are bad. Even if you tried to lose on purpose, it wouldn’t be this bad.”

“…….”

“Ah, seriously… if I had been with another member, I could have done well in the game.”

As she glared at me and threw out that remark, my chest ached. She probably wanted to win because the prize for first place in the game was a wish granted.

The first-place fan’s wish was a back hug from Jae-yi. I waited for the back hug to finish, then immediately grabbed the microphone.

“Since it’s a special occasion, let’s grant one wish for everyone. Huh? Everyone came up and worked so hard, it would be a shame not to~~”

“Oh, Ira, what’s gotten into you? Alright, should we keep it short then?”

“Good. If Ira wants to.”

Since it was rare for me to actively participate in the mini-games before a fan signing event, the members responded positively.

Everyone asked for wishes like selfies or hugs. Each time, a loud roar, whether cheers or screams, echoed from the fans. Then it was the turn of my partner, Go Yu-jin’s fan.

“Go Yu-jin will probably watch the fan meeting video, so please leave him a video message~ Tell him we haven’t forgotten him. That he’s Endorphin forever.”

“Waaah!”

The fans’ cheers grew louder. For a moment, my heart area felt like it was being electrocuted, and I couldn’t breathe. It was such a small thing, so why did my chest hurt so much? Those fans, Go Yu-jin’s fans, were the ones who disliked me, who wished I would disappear. I knew there were so many of them, and it wasn’t new, yet a pain like a hammer pressing down on my heart welled up. Why was I hurting? Why?

“Oh, that’s not bad. We haven’t left Go Yu-jin a video message even once until now.”

“Since the fans are here, it would be good if we all said hello together.”

Han-sae and Yadan looked at Mun. Mun was deep in thought. A smile on his lips suggested he was about to agree. Then, a firm voice said, “That won’t do.”

“It’s also an imposition to keep mentioning someone who has left the entertainment industry to pursue their own path. And…”

Jae-yi looked at me. I was terrified. Terrified that at any moment, the fans in the audience would rush onto the stage. To pull out my tongue, rip my vocal cords, and ensure I could never again attempt to fill Go Yu-jin’s empty spot, I was scared and afraid.

At Jae-yi’s gaze, Mun also made an ‘oh, right’ expression. Yadan did too. However, the fans continued to chant Go Yu-jin’s name. Jae-yi glared at the crowd, his eyes like burning flames.

“There is no Go Yu-jin in Endorphin anymore. Endorphin is the five of us on stage.”

“Hey, Jae-yi!!”

Han-sae shrieked and tried to stop him, but Mun stopped him instead. The chants for Go Yu-jin died down as if water had been thrown on them. Endorphin’s fans started shouting something, some sounding like cheers, others like boos…

The fan who had asked for the video message was biting her lip. Seeing her hurt expression, I turned off my microphone and quietly said,

“I’m sorry.”

“…….”

“I’ll try to persuade the members after the fan signing event. A video message to Go Yu-jin… I mean…”

I couldn’t find the right words to finish. So what? So don’t be angry? Don’t be sad? Endorphin’s fans probably wouldn’t be satisfied with just a video message. They would always be angry and sad until I disappeared. As if to prove it, the fan didn’t look back at me until the very end.

Today’s fan signing event was a little different from usual. Endorphin’s fans usually tended to hide their hostility towards me in front of the members, but today it was blatant. Some fans roughly placed their albums down with a ‘thud,’ turning their heads as if resigned, and got their autographs, while others glared at me the entire time I was signing.

This fan hesitated, then gave me a snack with strawberry jam as a gift.

“Thank you. I’ll enjoy it.”

“Ira, you… still don’t use the internet much?”

“Huh? No… I don’t… Why?”

“It’s nothing…”

I signed for the fan, who shook her head with an expression that conveyed she had a lot more to say. The manager took the snack box and put it in my box. As I looked, I had the illusion that most of the fans waiting their turn were staring at me.

“Oppa, I baked this myself.”

“Thank you.”

“Ira, this is citron tea, drink it…”

“Thank you.”

Today, it felt like there was even more food. I didn’t eat it and left it on one side of the table. Normally, Yong-jun would quickly take it and separate it, but the other managers only took the snacks and didn’t touch the drinks.

“Oppa, aren’t you going to drink this?”

“Yeah, I’ll drink it later.”

“…….”

“What’s your name?”

“Please write, ‘Rina, good luck on your exam…’”

“Okay. You have an exam coming up. Good luck.”

The citron tea was in the way while signing, so I pushed it aside. A murmur arose from the fans. Next to me, Jae-yi nudged my elbow.

“Why?”

“If you’re not going to drink it, give it to me. I’m thirsty.”

At his words, pointing to the citron tea, I was extremely flustered and hugged the cup of citron tea to my chest.

“No. It’s mine.”

“You’re not drinking it right now.”

“It’s still mine. The fan is waiting. Why don’t you sign?”

“…….”

Jae-yi gave a slight smile and started signing for the fan in front again. I felt as if a great burden had been lifted and sighed in relief. I put the citron tea back in the corner. I saw Endorphin fans in the front row, holding cameras, whispering to each other. Their gazes were piercing. I could feel the hostile atmosphere directed at me, making it difficult to even breathe.

“Jae-yi, eat this… Be careful during the sword dance… I really like you.”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Please write ‘Good luck on your interview’… and draw a heart.”

“I don’t draw hearts. Good luck on your interview, and I hope you pass.”

After Jae-yi, it was my turn, so I was holding a marker, waiting for the fan. After Jae-yi finished signing, the fan shyly took the album.

And then, she quickly turned around and left the stage.

I stood frozen, marker in hand, my head still raised to greet the fan. A stir went through the fans.

“What the…”

“…Damn.”

The members were also flustered. Jae-yi was about to curse, so I quickly covered his mouth with my hand. Jae-yi sometimes has a fiery temper.

“It’s okay. Just let it go.”

“That kind of person isn’t even a damn fan.”

“What are you talking about… They’re a grateful fan. Let’s keep signing.”

I smiled at Jae-yi and the members. Mun, who had been frozen in the very first spot, was the first to regain his composure. Then the fan sign event continued. After that, no Endorphin fan refused my signature.

After the fan sign event, the members apologized to me. Whenever something like this happened, they were always unable to look me in the eye, and seeing them like that made me feel even more sorry. So I smiled even more playfully.

It was the first time this had happened during this promotional period’s fan sign events, but there were many such incidents when I first joined. There were times when three people in a row would pass me by and go to the next member, and there was even a fan who slapped down an album with my face cut out of it and demanded a signature. Some fans even asked me to my face, “When are you leaving the group?” and fans who cursed at me as they walked past were a daily occurrence.

Jae-yi got so angry that he even posted something on SNS, which he rarely uses, and then disappeared, but the fans were also so angry that they were appealing again. They were so angry at me for continuously occupying Go Yu-jin’s spot. In their own way.

When I returned to the dorm after the schedule, boxes were scattered in the living room. Today, my boxes were only two, the fewest among the members. I first sorted the food and bundled the letters together.

Among celebrities, there are some who look for hate comments, but I am definitely not one of them. I put the letters in a drawer and never take them out again.

Thud.

As I was putting the bundle of letters away, a small slip of paper fell out from inside. I picked up the slip without thinking. It was quite thickly folded. I shouldn’t have, but I became curious about its content, and what had fallen to the floor and caught my eye felt somewhat like fate, so I unfolded the crumpled part.

“Ah…”

A groan escaped me as a stinging sensation shot through my fingertip. A drop of blood welled up on my thumb. I carefully lifted out a cold, gray razor blade. The text was printed in a red font.

[You’ve been acting pretty arrogant lately lol

Wait. Someday, I’m going to kill you.]

Drops of blood fell. I crumpled the now even more gruesome note and threw it into the trash can. I wrapped the razor blade thickly in tissue and threw it away too. I finished organizing the rest of the letters and found a band-aid to put on. Vertigo hit me, and I collapsed into the chair.

It’s that person.

It must be the fan who put the cyanide in.

My heart pounded wildly. I pressed my chest firmly to calm myself.

As at today’s fan sign event, it seems the patience of Endorphin’s fans has completely run out. How much they must hate me. Pushing aside their oppa and taking his place… brazenly smiling. They are expressing that anger and hatred. Ending their time of patience.

I pressed the wound on my fingertip. Blood seeped through the band-aid. It was a fact I already knew. That there were people trying to kill me, that it had even gone as far as attempted murder, and that those people had received no punishment and were still moving about before my eyes. It was just a fresh confirmation. But still, my heart ached so much.

They are still trying. Trying to kill me. Trying to kill me, who took Go Yu-jin’s place.

I’m scared.

I covered my mouth. Because I was about to say it out loud. What should I do? I’m so scared. What should I do? What should I do…

I picked up my phone. I was going to call Kwon Su-han. I hadn’t figured out what to say, but I thought telling him might make me feel a little better.

I found his number and pressed the call button, and just as it rang once, I heard a knock.

“Hey, are you sleeping?”

It was Han-sae. In a flustered state, I pressed the end call button and quickly composed my expression.

When I opened the door, Han-sae awkwardly came in, which was unlike him.

“Hey… I’m sorry about earlier. You know I’m clueless.”

“Earlier? What about earlier? Did you do something behind my back?”

“No, I mean at the fan sign, man. I didn’t know anything and suggested leaving a video message for Go Yu-jin. Yadan and I got scolded by Mun. And that Jae-yi tried to kill me…”

“What’s the big deal… I’m completely fine, so don’t worry about it. You acting like this is seriously cringeworthy.”

“This jerk, I’m apologizing. I’m serious, you jerk.”

“You’re serious about everything. Hahaha. Your older brother will forgive you, so will you buy me something delicious later instead?”

“I’ll treat you to something super delicious and expensive. Just set the time.”

“Okay.”

Heh heh. I sent Han-sae out with a smile. Before the door closed, Han-sae suddenly wrapped his arm around my face and pulled me towards him. My body was pressed against his large frame.

“Hey, this is a secret.”

“Hm?”

“I like you more than Go Yu-jin. I like that you’re on our team even more. It’s a secret, so don’t tell anyone.”

“…Isn’t that seriously embarrassing…?”

“Ah, I don’t know. Anyway, that’s how I feel. Good night, bye.”

Han-sae’s entire face, even his neck, was flushed red as he slammed the door shut and left. I remained frozen in that position for a while. Haha… A bitter laugh escaped me. Was he trying to comfort me because he knew I was hated? The members must have sent him to apologize. This situation was somewhat ridiculous.

Thanks to that, the tension that made my heart feel like it would burst out disappeared.

Buzz…

My phone vibrated. The name [Kwon Su-han] appeared on the screen.

Ah… Damn it.

Regaining my senses, I realized what I had been about to do. I was going to call Kwon Su-han and whine. Oh my god… It was a good thing I hung up as soon as it rang once, otherwise… It was a good thing Han-sae happened to come in, otherwise…

I cleared my throat and answered the phone.

“Hello.”

-Did you call?

“Ah, by mistake. I was trying to call Kwon Jae-yi, but I pressed the wrong number by mistake. We share the same last name, Kwon.”

-…Your member, Jae-yi?

“Yep, sorry.”

-You’re in the same dorm, and you still call him?

I thought Kwon Su-han would play it cool with a mistake like this, but he seemed displeased.

“It’s too much trouble to speak loudly… Sorry. Did I wake you up?”

-…No. I wasn’t sleeping. You must be tired, go to sleep soon. That member, Jae-yi, must be sleeping too.

“I will. Good night, Doctor.”

-…Why don’t you just stick to one way of addressing me?

“Su-han hyung, dream of me.”

-…….

I heard a quiet intake of breath. Haha… I laughed. Kwon Su-han very softly said, “You too,” and then hung up. Pffft… I clutched my phone and rolled around on the bed. What was “You too”? Does he mean dream of him? He’s really an interesting person.

After a long time, laughing by myself and squirming, I suddenly saw my face reflected in the phone’s turned-off screen and realized.

That today was the first time I had genuinely smiled.