ID Chapter 26

The long recording session ended, and we arrived at the dorm building. Why did the elevator feel so slow today? I wanted to lean on something, and conveniently, there was a sturdy wall behind me.

“…Are you tired?”

“Mm-hm… You’re too stiff.”

Jae-yi’s chest was stiff, but reliable, so I leaned heavily against him. Jae-yi’s low chuckle was heard above my head. Jae-yi wrapped his arms around my waist. Mun Hyung glanced over, then was startled and turned his head away.

Opening the dorm door and seeing the familiar living room, sleep suddenly overwhelmed me. I wasn’t the only one; Han-sae went in with a strange groan.

“Whoa, I’m so exhausted. So sleepy!!”

“Still, we can sleep for six hours today.”

“I don’t want to shower…. I just want to lie down in bed~~~”

“Hey, where are you going? Hurry and take off your makeup, then lie down.”

Han-sae tried to jump into bed without even taking off his coat but was caught by the scruff of his neck by Mun Hyung. Han-sae and Yadan share a room, so Yadan went into his room’s bathroom, and Han-sae decided to use Mun Hyung’s bathroom. I was really glad to have my own room.

I should meticulously remove my makeup, but I was so sleepy that I just washed up quickly.

“Cough, cough.”

As soon as I came out of the shower, I coughed. I had been trying my best not to catch a cold, but oh no. My throat hadn’t felt good since this morning… We have two live stages scheduled the day after tomorrow, so it would be a disaster if it got worse. There should be some cough medicine on hand… As I came into the living room, Jae-yi happened to be coming out of his room.

“You just coughed, didn’t you?”

“Oh, you heard that?”

“I knew you looked unwell…”

“Ira, do you have a cold? That’s a problem.”

Mun Hyung’s face became worried, and he rummaged through the side table next to the sofa. He quickly found the cold medicine.

“Take it quickly and sleep. No, it’s better to take it after a meal… Ira, have you eaten?”

“We ate together in the car earlier.”

“That wasn’t a meal.”

“I’ll set the table. Just a moment.”

Jae-yi went to the kitchen without waiting for an answer. I was very tired and sleepy, but just as hungry, so I decided to eat and then sleep. Since he offered to make it… In the meantime, Mun Hyung raised the room temperature.

“Hyung, do you want to shower in my room? That Han-sae will take forever.”

“Ah, should I then?”

“No. Go shower in my room.”

Jae-yi stopped stirring the ladle and abruptly cut in. I snorted, thinking, “My room’s bathroom is clean, you know???” But then I thought, Jae-yi’s bathroom would be cleaner than mine, not dirtier.

“Hyung, go to my room.”

“…Alright. Ira, eat well.”

“Yeah…”

Mun Hyung is really kind. With only Jae-yi and me left in the living room, I glared fiercely at Jae-yi.

“Why are you acting like that towards Hyung?”

“Your voice is completely gone.”

Ahem, I cleared my throat a few times.

“Hey, at least it’s a relief there’s no live performance tomorrow.”

“Relief, my foot. You caught a cold, so where’s the relief? Whether there’s a live performance tomorrow or not, just focus on getting better quickly.”

Jae-yi lectured me while quickly whipping up a meal. It was ham and vegetable fried rice with chicory salad given by Yadan’s parents. Jae-yi and I sat opposite each other. The quiet living room was filled only with the sound of spoons clinking against rice bowls and the soft sounds of chewing. Maybe I should have turned on the TV.

“How’s your finger? Let me see.”

“Huh? Oh, it’s all healed. That was ages ago.”

“Pay more attention. Can’t you keep your fingers still?”

I injured my left finger while cutting and cut my right finger with a razor blade. The left one was all healed, but the right one wasn’t yet. I thought it was a minor cut, but it still hadn’t healed.

“Cough, cough.”

A cough burst out. Luckily, there was nothing in my mouth. Jae-yi frowned as if he had swallowed something bitter.

I smiled brightly.

“Hey, aren’t I truly fighting through an injury? You have to admit it, seriously.”

“…Did your health check-up results come out?”

I was about to ask how he knew I had a health check-up, but then I realized I had seen the message at that time.

“They said it’s not out yet. I’m probably healthier than I look, you know? You should get a check-up too. Aura check-ups don’t hurt and finish quickly. It would be good if all the members got one.”

“Let me know when the results come out.”

“Okay.”

“Eat slowly. You’re too fast.”

“Okay.”

We ate, conversing quietly. The peaceful time was short. Yadan seemed to have showered and gone straight to sleep, but Han-sae came out into the living room, drying his hair with a towel.

“Whoa, you’re eating? That’s commendable.”

“Jae-yi made it for me.”

“That Jae-bastard, he doesn’t even ask us if we’ve eaten, but he treats you so well…”

“You need to stop eating so much.”

“Hey, you help too. There’s a lot.”

“Are you crazy? If I take your food, that guy will kill me. Eat a lot and gain weight, Ira~ Your Hyung will have a can of beer and go to sleep.”

Han-sae took a can of beer from the fridge and sat down next to him. Watching him gulp it down without any snacks, I thought he had really good stamina.

After filling my stomach to some extent, my eyes began to close, blinking slowly. Am I really an animal?

“Ira, finish eating and then sleep.”

“Uh…”

“Just let him sleep. He’s so sleepy.”

“There are two spoonfuls left; he should finish these before sleeping.”

“Mmm-hmm…”

I slowly blinked my eyes, and a low chuckle was heard. I finished the two spoonfuls, using the sound of laughter as a side dish. As if on cue, a glass of water was presented. It was nice that Jae-yi was so good to me, but it felt like a burden.

“Cough, cough.”

After chugging it down, a cough erupted. Ah, this can’t be… I shouldn’t be coughing.

“Take your medicine.”

Jae-yi placed two pills in my hand.

“Thanks.”

“Did you catch a cold? Why is a guy like you so sickly?”

Swallowing the pills, I glared at that Han-sae-bastard, but he didn’t even snort.

“He didn’t seem this weak during the last promotion cycle. Hmm.”

“He definitely seems to be in much worse health.”

“Jae-yi, you think so too, don’t you? This guy doesn’t eat, so he’s thin and his health seems to have worsened.”

“Your complexion is bad… and your insomnia has gotten worse.”

“Is it nagging time again? I’m going to brush my teeth and go to bed. Jae-yi, thanks for dinner.”

I quickly got up to leave. I was about to put the empty dishes in the sink, but Jae-yi said he would do it. It’s really overwhelming. But I like it…

I put toothpaste on my brush and vigorously scrubbed my teeth. Cough, spit. When I spit out the toothpaste foam, I sometimes feel nauseous and throw up while brushing, so I did it carefully.

“Cough, cough.”

I coughed as soon as I rinsed my mouth. Whew. I pressed my hand to my forehead and lay down on the bed. My phone was flashing, indicating a new message.

Kwon Su-han [Did you arrive at the dorm safely?]

I caught a coldㅜ

I wrote that, then panicked and deleted it all. I must be crazy.

[Yep. I arrived safely and am about to sleep]

Kwon Su-han [What time does your schedule end tomorrow?]

[It’ll probably end earlier than today. Why??]

Kwon Su-han [No reason. Sleep well.]

[You too. Bye bye bye bye bye]

The ‘1’ disappeared, and a reply soon came.

Kwon Su-han [Bye bye bye bye bye bye]

Hehe. I grinned foolishly, then went into my photo album. I looked at the Ira Chick Meme and a screenshot of a fan’s post, then swiped to the next.

[You’ve been too full of yourself lately lol

Wait. I’ll kill you someday.]

I was about to throw that note away, but picked it up again and took a picture. I’ll keep looking at it and reminding myself not to get conceited. I am hated. Everyone dislikes me. The members know it too. The members know that the fans dislike me. I must try not to be mistaken. To not get full of myself.

“Hey, Ira. Are you asleep??” Han-sae called from the living room.

“No, why?”

“Hey, can I have a slice of your cake?”

“No!!”

I startled, got out of bed, and flung open the door.

“No. Don’t touch mine!!”

Han-sae’s eyes widened, holding the refrigerator door open. Jae-yi was next to him. I ran over without thinking.

“Eat something else. Not mine.”

I snatched the cake and closed the refrigerator door. Perhaps startled by my loud voice, Mun and Yadan came out of their rooms. Han-sae frowned.

“…You have so much, is it really that hard to share just one?”

No. It’s not hard at all. But it might be poisoned, that’s why.

“I told you. I don’t like sharing what’s mine.”

“Don’t lie. You used to share often when we were trainees.”

“This was given by fans, though.”

“Even so, damn it, is it something to freak out about, turning so pale? And even yelling so loudly?”

No. Of course not. It’s not something to run out and tell a friend not to eat when they just want some cake…

Han-sae’s voice grew louder.

“It’s not just once or twice, this is really annoying. Are you and I even friends? I’ll buy you a damn cake. Is that enough?”

“…Don’t use such harsh words.”

Jae-yi lightly pushed Han-sae’s chest and stepped between them.

“Ira is sick right now.”

…He probably meant I was sick with a cold, but it sounded different to me. He’s right. I’m sick. I need treatment. Just like Kwon Su-han said. You’ll understand if you hear about it too.

“Damn it, sick or not, this is really too much. You must have felt it too, right? We laughed it off as gluttony, but it’s not like you didn’t share before, damn it. You’re being annoying.”

“I told you to watch your mouth.”

“…!”

Jae-yi released his Motion Aura. Han-sae stumbled backward, and I grabbed Jae-yi’s sleeve. Mun and Yadan approached, startled.

“Kwon Jae-yi, calm down.”

“Jae-yi hyung. Han-sae hyung is a non-aura user.”

Yadan shielded Han-sae with his Aura. I did the same. Han-sae was terrified. Jae-yi cursed under his breath, then withdrew his Aura.

“Haa…”

Han-sae gasped for air. Yadan patted the panting Han-sae. His pride deeply hurt, Han-sae glared at me and Jae-yi. Just as my heart sank, Mun intervened.

“Both of you, stop it, it’s late. Han-sae, if you want cake, eat mine. And properly apologize to Ira.”

“Why me…!!”

“You used harsh words. Acknowledge what needs to be acknowledged.”

“….Tsk.”

“That’s right, hyung. Apologize to Ira hyung.”

When even Yadan didn’t take his side, Han-sae dropped his head and spoke in a voice as tiny as a mosquito’s.

“Sorry.”

“…No.”

I’m sorry. Mun and Yadan should have actually taken your side. If I were Han-sae, I’d be incredibly angry right now, but Han-sae hid his anger and stammered out an excuse.

“It’s not that I wanted the cake… it’s just that you used to eat with us before, but lately you’ve been putting up a wall and not sharing, damn it, it feels like we’re not even friends. It’s upsetting…”

“It’s because the fans gave it to me, so I keep getting possessive. Don’t misunderstand.”

“Oh…”

The guy who was bigger than me looked pathetic. Mun spoke to me this time.

“Ira, you apologize properly too. As a friend, it’s definitely an upsetting thing, and your reaction was too sensitive.”

I took a small breath and apologized to Han-sae. I’m sorry. Sorry for upsetting you and reacting so sensitively, I’m sorry. Han-sae was probably still angry, but perhaps because of the other members, he accepted it and said it was okay.

And there was one more person at this gathering who needed to apologize. Mun signaled to me. I spoke to Jae-yi, who was watching the situation with his arms crossed.

“Hey, you apologize to Han-sae too.”

“…….”

“Aren’t you going to do it quickly?”

I playfully punched Jae-yi in the side. Jae-yi raised one eyebrow, looked somewhere in the air next to Han-sae’s ear, and said, “Sorry.”

“…Ugh, that gives me goosebumps.”

Han-sae took it humorously, saying it might be better not to accept Jae-yi’s apology. The atmosphere seemed to have lightened.

Actually, we’d just been too busy lately, but since we’re all guys, we often fought and made up. Han-sae and Yadan had fought before, and Mun and Jae-yi had fought too. It was the same when Go Yu-jin was around. However, it was the first time Aura had appeared in a fight. Jae-yi must be quite sorry right now for using Aura on a non-aura user, even if he doesn’t say it.

…They’ll figure it out themselves.

I’m so exhausted right now.

Cough, cough. When I coughed, Jae-yi made a move to support me. I’m not even sick, really. But since I was truly tired, I accepted his help. I could feel Mun hyung’s gaze stinging me. Ah, everything truly exhausts me.

Just then, Han-sae, who was putting the cake back in the fridge, asked casually.

“Are you actually going to eat this cake?”

“..Of course. I kept it to eat, why wouldn’t I..”

“Can’t we even eat it together then?”

“…….”

“You.. are going to eat it, right?”

Why.. why would he ask something like that? An ominous feeling crept over me. As my expression hardened again, the members helped me once more.

“Han-sae, I told you to stop.”

“Why are you so fixated on the cake, hyung.”

“No, oh, come on, everyone’s glaring so fiercely. It’s just that I remembered a post that went up on the internet.”

I suddenly felt everyone flinch. The hand of Jae-yi, which was on my shoulder, momentarily tightened.

“What post?”

I asked. My lips felt unnecessarily parched. The members exchanged glances. Han-sae avoided my gaze. Mun hyung and Yadan did the same. I looked at Jae-yi. Eyes where a hot flame burned quietly. Eyes I had once trusted so deeply.

“What kind of post went up?”

“…That you don’t eat food given by fans.”

“…….”

“That you tried to throw away a drink a fan gave you. A post like that went up.”

Oh my god. Perhaps Jae-yi might have heard the sound of my heart sinking. I tried not to stagger. Jae-yi continued.

“I reported it directly to CEO Shin Dong-woo, so don’t worry about rumors like that.”

…To CEO Shin Dong-woo?

“It’s something that will be resolved soon, but this guy needlessly brought it up.”

“Ah, damn it.. I’m sorry. I think I got drunk from the beer earlier.”

“That’s right, Ira. It’s just a post that appeared briefly and then disappeared. Forget about it.”

“Hyung, don’t mind it.”

Oh.. I don’t mind it.

I think I answered that. Probably. I said this: That because hyung and you guys were reacting so seriously, I thought it was a really serious post. It’s nothing, really. Haha. Then I returned to my room. Before I came in, Jae-yi grabbed my arm, but when I smiled with a sleepy face, he let me go.

Once in my room, I first turned off the lights. Then, with trembling hands, I went online. What should I search for? Ira food, Ira fan food. The posts didn’t appear easily. Anti-Ira. Numerous posts appeared. The same blatant and crude criticisms I had seen before were there again.

I read a post on someone’s blog and realized it was about the Apple Juice incident. It was a young Dopamine fan who, in an attempt to harm me somehow, had acquired and given me a drink that had been fully recalled.

So the bad atmosphere at yesterday’s fan signing event was because of this post. My stomach felt nauseous. I covered my mouth and rushed into the bathroom. Clutching the toilet, I vomited everything until only stomach acid came out. Tears flowed with it. I searched again. Ira cyanide. Ira murder. Endorphin Ira murder. Ira poisoning. How to poison someone. Even though searching those terms didn’t bring up anything related to me, I couldn’t stop.

“Ugh..”

My head spun. I sank down onto the hard tiles of the bathroom floor.

CEO Shin Dong-woo knows about this post. Then he’ll do something to address it, right?

But soon, a laugh escaped me.

Address it?

What kind of addressing?

How do you address the feeling of hating someone? If you tell them not to hate, will they stop hating? I’m really funny, too.

But if CEO Shin Dong-woo read this post, wouldn’t he do something like stop accepting food gifts from Dopamine fans altogether?

My head throbbed and ached. My stomach became nauseous again. One hand pressed against my forehead, while a finger on the other hand rested on the Ira Chick Meme photo in my album.

<Why aren't you a chick?????? O.O.O.O.O.O

I want to put you in my pocket and carry you around, why aren't you a chick O.

Tears fell onto the screen of my phone.

“…Hic….”

Since there were two Motioners in the dorm, I covered my mouth in case they might hear. Small, hiccuping sobs leaked from deep within my chest. My body recognized before my mind did that I was in a state of deep depression, sorrow, exhaustion, and hardship.

Had this Ira Chick Meme fan also read the eyewitness accounts? I entered the fan site in my favorites. When I searched using the nickname of the Ira Chick Meme fan, there was a new post from an hour ago.

The title was .

I deliberated for a long time whether to read it or not. Whether to read this post or not.

I was so afraid of how this person would react to that rumor. But I decided to read it.

I decided to read it.

I touched the title to open it.

I… leaned my upper body against the cold wall and closed my eyes. Tears kept welling up.. and filled the empty space again. My chest vibrated with a sharp pain. I pressed hard on the area around my heart. I’m okay. I’m okay. It’s only natural to be hated. A singer who throws away fan gifts.. Who would like someone like that? Who would? Anyway, I’m hated because I took Go Yu-jin’s place, aren’t I? I’m hated anyway…

It’s unfair..

The feeling of injustice, which I had forgotten and had to forget, resurfaced.

It’s.. not my fault.. is it?

Yu-jin hyung leaving Endorphin.. and me taking his place.. that doesn’t feel like my fault.

Throwing away food given by fans.. that’s something I couldn’t help.. for me.. as for me..

I felt an illusion as if my heart had crumbled and was flowing onto the bathroom floor. My chest felt completely empty. Hollowly.

Hollowly.