ID Chapter 29

The video clearly showed me staring at the backs of Endorphin’s fans, then turning around and throwing a bread bag into the trash can. Han-sae, who was next to me, said, “It’s even trending in search terms.”

My head was spinning, and I swayed. A firm hand grabbed my waist and slowly guided me to sit on the sofa. Jae-yi took my cell phone.

“Should I get you a glass of water?”

“Yes…”

Jae-yi asked, but Yadan went to get it. Jae-yi and Han-sae sat on either side of me. Mun stood silently with his arms crossed. He looked very angry. My stomach settled a bit after I gulped down the cold water. Mun took the empty cup from me and immediately asked.

“What happened? Is this video real?”

“Yes, it’s real. I threw it away.”

“…You’re being so brazen right now,”

“Mun.”

Jae-yi called Mun in a low voice. The members were calm. Even the talkative Han-sae rolled his eyes, unusually fitting the mood.

‘There must be a reason.’

I could tell what the members were thinking. Only Mun, who loved the fans so much, was fuming, breathing heavily.

I always wonder. What is it like, this feeling of loving fans? Is it similar to how I liked the fan whose chick posts I wrote? How can they cherish fans so much? Those terrifying and frightening beings.

“There was a reason.”

“Right. You wouldn’t do that unless you were crazy, so there must be a reason. Tell me. Though I don’t know if I’ll be able to understand.”

Mun was furious, but I believed he would understand me if I told him the truth.

Finally, this moment had come. I had waited too long. Even if no one else knew, I wanted to tell the members. At first, I thought the CEO was right. I shouldn’t tell the members, and I absolutely shouldn’t let Jae-yi find out. I didn’t want to worry them. But at some point, all I wanted to do was confess. I wanted to be understood.

But… maybe because I’d endured it for too long. Even though the chance had come, I was afraid to speak. It felt like revealing this truth wasn’t my right alone. After much deliberation, I opened my mouth.

“First, I think I need to discuss it with the CEO.”

“I don’t understand why that needs discussing at all?”

“It’s because this is a sensitive issue.”

“Did the CEO tell you to treat them harshly because they’re sasaengs?”

Mun frowned. Mun didn’t consider fans who came to the dorm building to be sasaengs.

“It’s not that… Anyway, I’ll talk to the CEO and then tell you.”

“Are you saying the CEO knows the reason?”

Jae-yi’s voice finally dropped, as if he was getting angry.

“Yes, the CEO and Yong-jun know.”

“…Ha.”

Jae-yi openly displayed his disbelief. Understanding that rage, I lowered my eyes.

The members kept asking various questions, but I remained silent and didn’t answer.

“Ugh, seriously, this overthinking Souler kid.”

Han-sae ruffled his hair as if frustrated. I was probably two million times more frustrated than Han-sae.

“Shouldn’t we quickly post an explanation on social media? Before people blow up the rumors even more, we should put something up quickly. Even just a post saying we’re organizing our statement.”

“Yadan’s right. Still, it’s a good thing this blew up on the day we posted the donkatsu picture. If we hadn’t posted the donkatsu, it would have been uncontrollable.”

At those words, I felt something was off.

“Why the donkatsu picture?”

“Ah.”

“Why the donkatsu…?”

Mun, who had been angry moments ago, now averted his gaze with an embarrassed look. All the members did the same. Blinking at their discomforted faces, a sudden thought flashed through my mind, and I turned on my cell phone. Everyone sighed but didn’t actively try to stop me.

@HANSAEENDORPHIN

[To all our fans >0 Thank you for the lunchbox today!!! Donkatsu yum yum, cherry tomatoes yum yum!! All the members ate it deliciously >o<♡♡♡♡

(Photo)]

I couldn't believe it. The strength left my hands, and my cell phone fell onto my lap. With trembling eyes, I looked at Jae-yi. Jae-yi was watching me carefully and calmly.

"How could you…"

My voice was trembling too much, and my head was spinning.

"How could you do that? How could you trick me into eating something like this?"

"Hey, there were rumors that you don't eat things given by fans, so we had no choice. Still, thanks to this, the controversy can at least be shielded."

"Yeah, you ate it well too. Why are you acting like this after eating it so well?"

Han-sae's and Mun's voices buzzed in my ears. Why was I acting like this after eating it well? I could have died. I could have just died right then and there. How could they… How could they do this… How could they do this to me?

"Calm down, Ira. What's wrong with you?"

"What were you going to do if I had died…?"

"…What?"

"How could you do this? How long have I… How could you… How could you trick me and make me eat something like that?"

Unable to sit, I stood up. Jae-yi immediately grabbed my hand, turned my chin, and forced me to look at him.

"What are you talking about?"

"The fan… what your fan gave…"

My vision blurred. I tried to push Jae-yi away, but he didn't budge.

I trusted the members. I believed Han-sae's words that he was glad I was on their team. I trusted kind Mun, who often took care of me to the point of annoyance, and Yadan, who was always calm and quiet despite his few words. I trusted Jae-yi, who never did anything I truly disliked. The one hope I had clung to for so long crumbled. I was tired of hoping and being disappointed to the point of tears. How could they trick me into eating something given by a fan?

What if I had died?

If I had died.

"'Your' fans, what do you mean by that? Ira, calm down and tell us properly."

Jae-yi was resolute. Amidst the confusion, when I heard his voice, my mouth involuntarily opened. Just a moment ago, I had been rationally thinking of waiting for the CEO.

"Actually, I… I, last year,"

Just as I was about to speak, the keypad on the front door was pressed rapidly, a chime sounded, and the door opened. The people who rushed in were Yong-jun hyung and the CEO.

Yong-jun hyung and the CEO seemed to grasp the situation upon seeing me surrounded by the members.

"Hold on, just a moment. What are you all doing? I know you're angry because of Ira, but let's talk after today's recording. Our promotions are over now, we have plenty of time, okay?"

"No. Talk now, Ira. Explain it so we can understand."

"The CEO is here, don't do this. Shouldn't Ira talk to the CEO first? Huh?"

"Yes, he'll talk to me first. Mun, what are you doing? Aren't you going to send the kids back?"

When the CEO spoke to Mun hyung, Mun hyung calmed his anger and took the members into the room. However, Jae-yi wasn't convinced, so the CEO had to struggle, persuading him by saying he would talk to me first. The CEO had greying hair and was similar in stature to me, so a large guy like Jae-yi glaring fiercely at him made him look quite helpless.

Meanwhile, Yong-jun hyung grabbed my wrist and pulled me outside. Since Motioners like Jae-yi and Yadan can hear even quiet conversations, we went completely outside. Bang, the sound of the front door closing was so loud that I flinched. My wrist, which he kept holding tightly all the way down the elevator, hurt terribly.

Yong-jun hyung shoved me into the company car in the parking lot.

"Are you really crazy? Huh? How could you think of throwing that straight into the trash there!? Are you in your right mind right now?"

He pushed my chest. I couldn't believe it.

Yong-jun hyung was angry at me right now.

"I can't even hit you… I'm going crazy. Do you know how much trouble you've caused?"

"…I had no choice but to throw it away. I couldn't keep something like that, you know. It had poison in it,"

"Poison? I'm tired of indulging your paranoia. Yes, I know it was scary. I know you're sad that your dog died because of a gift that contained cyanide. But isn't it time to get over it? Are you a child? It's been half a year already! How long are you going to be held captive by something that happened just once?!"

He shouted. I gripped the seat tightly. I couldn't understand what he was saying.

I couldn't believe that someone who knew the truth wasn't understanding me.

I looked up at him. I pushed away the hand that had been painfully gripping my shoulder. When tears flowed, he looked surprised.

"You…"

My eyes must have been swollen from crying myself to sleep last night. Tears streamed down my face before I could do anything. My eyes stung.

"Why, why are you crying…"

"Hyung, I almost died… I almost died then."

I tried to remind him because he seemed to have forgotten. Because he seemed to have forgotten a very important fact. The fact that Mallang-i's stomach had dissolved and she died, and I almost suffered the same fate.

However, a knock on the car door interrupted us. It was the CEO. He was alone, having somehow persuaded Jae-yi. Yong-jun hyung opened the door. The CEO saw me crying, pushed Yong-jun hyung aside, and clucked his tongue, asking why he made me cry.

The CEO came and sat next to me.

"Ira. You shouldn't be crying in this situation. Are you trying to preempt my anger?"

"……."

"What were you thinking, throwing it away immediately? You should have at least thrown it away at the dorm. I thought you were mature, but I didn't realize you could be so careless. I'm very disappointed."

I was so scared and horrified to hold something given by an Endorphin fan in my hand. I didn't want to hold it even for a moment. Just having it in my hand made me so terrified I couldn't breathe. Should I have kept it anyway? Was I careless? Can real adults calmly say thank you, put it in their arms, and go back in that situation?

"As for you throwing away things given by fans without even eating them. That's a mental illness. Even if you are a Souler, it's excessive. Do you think there aren't any active celebrities who have received poisoned food like you? They all overcome it and live well, but how long are you going to be tied down by just that one incident? You're completely spoiled. Some unknown rookie even wishes they had anti-fans."

"……."

"Stop crying. Who do you think wants to cry right now? My head is spinning trying to figure out what to explain because of you."

At that moment, I hated the CEO so much, and I was flustered. Hiccup, I barely managed to suppress the sobs threatening to burst from my chest and frantically wiped away my tears.

"It, it wasn't, just once."

I fumbled in my pocket and felt my phone. Fortunately, I had it with me despite the chaos.

"Look at this. This is a letter I received at a fan signing event recently. There was a razor blade in it. They keep trying to kill me."

With trembling fingers, I showed him the photo. The CEO glanced at it and sighed.

"Everyone receives letters like this, Ira. Just look at the internet comments; all of your members get malicious comments about people pouring acid or holding burning rituals. Why are you so sensitive all by yourself?"

The CEO seemed to be deliberately choosing strong words. Hearing the words "acid" and "burning rituals," my eyes felt hot, but my head grew cold as if splashed with cold water. My pounding heart seemed to stop.

"Couldn't we just reveal everything? That I received poisoned food as a gift. That I can't eat anything given by fans after that. That I developed trauma. Couldn't we just reveal that?"

"And that you developed paranoia?"

"……."

"Are you saying we should announce everywhere that you have a mental illness? Because of something every popular celebrity goes through?"

That wasn't what I wanted, but I just said whatever came to mind.

"Yes, let's tell them. Let's tell everyone. I can't take it anymore, so tell them everything, whether I've become a cripple or whatever."

"…Ira."

Perhaps not expecting such a reaction from me, the CEO's eyes widened slightly. He then calmly called my name and sat next to me. He patted my shoulder and released his aura.

The CEO is an Aura Adapter.

"Think about your parents who would be hurt. How would they feel if it was revealed that their son has been suffering like this for over half a year?"

The CEO's aura flowed into me, surging gently.

"And the members. Just as you developed a victim complex from receiving poisoned food, the members might also become afraid of fans. What if your words cause a split in the fandom? What about the fans who would be upset and heartbroken? I don't even understand why this whole thing blew up in the first place, but fine. Even if I assume it's understandable because you're young and a Souler. If you've fallen into this state because of that incident, shouldn't you hide it from the members? Do you want your friends to fall into the same fear?"

I didn't agree with the CEO's words. I definitely didn't agree… yet, some part of it seemed right. I was too careless, and it wasn't just me suffering this, but I acted as if all the world's tragedies had fallen upon me alone. It was nothing major…

Maybe I should be glad that the two of them came in just when I was about to reveal everything to the members, preventing me from doing so. The members might have reacted like them, asking if it was really something to get trauma over, just from that one incident. If I had heard words like "sensitive" directly from the members, from Jae-yi, I might have been too hurt to ever recover. I had imagined countless scenarios of confessing the truth to Jae-yi, but none of those scenarios included his cold gaze directed at me.

I truly hadn't expected this at all. I had only thought that if they knew the truth, they would understand me. I had only thought they would understand and embrace me for having developed paranoia.

Ah… why did I do that? How could I have been so mistaken…? The CEO is right. It's time to overcome this, but I've just fallen into a mess and haven't even thought about getting better. I'm just thinking about burdening the members. Pathetic. I'm such a fool. I don't know what I'm doing.

My heart began to calm down. The feeling of injustice also gradually faded. Now, I felt like I could understand everything.

"Ira!"

The car body shook with a thump. Both the CEO and Yong-jun hyung looked out the window in surprise, and the door burst open.

Standing there was someone I never expected to see at this time, in this place.

"Kwon Su-han…?"

The CEO's eyes widened. So did mine.