ID Chapter 3

After the MV filming was over, my appearance was as dirty as a washbasin that had rinsed a rain-soaked rag. The MV’s background was a desert concept with swirling sand, so I had to film a scene where I passionately sang amidst the scattered sand. Since I’m the main vocalist and a Souler, my part was naturally larger than the others, and I ended up inhaling twice as much sand as the other members.

The After-party was at a barbecue restaurant, but my throat felt scratchy, and I couldn’t taste the food. I quietly got up.

“Where are you going?”

Was that Jae-yi only watching me? Jae-yi’s question again drew everyone’s attention to me.

“What? Where are you going again?”

“Ira, eat something. Where are you going again?”

“Just going to the restroom for a moment.”

“Hurry back. The meat’s getting cold.”

“Leave my portion of meat.”

I said it jokingly and immediately left the table.

Thankfully, I was the only one in the restroom. I entered a stall and sat, clutching the toilet.

“Cough… hack.”

I put my fingers down my throat and vomited sand. I was so distressed that I even shed a few tears.

After vomiting a bit, I flushed and came out. I thought I should wash my face. I sighed, and there was someone in front of me.

He was looking at me in front of the sink, and wow, I was startled. I thought he was a sculpture. He’s handsome, even if he has a slightly cold impression.

“…….”

Wiping the drool from my mouth, I headed to the sink, and the man moved aside. In the vacant spot, I splashed cold water on my face and roughly dried it with tissue.

“Ugh, cold.”

Shivering, with trembling shoulders, the man was still watching me even as I opened the door. His face looked like he had something to say – did he recognize me? It’s at times like these that I truly feel Endorphin is a top idol group.

“Ah, I’m super full.”

“I told you you eat too much. Are you an animal?”

“Ira starves himself during filming, but then he eats a lot at the After-party.”

“Get rid of that habit, kid.”

I had only said one word, “I’m full,” but a torrent of nagging poured down on me. I stuck close to the quiet youngest member, Yadan.

“Hyung, if your stomach doesn’t feel well, would you like an antacid?”

“I’m fine. I just need to go take a dump.”

“…….”

Yadan’s expression became ambiguous. As I chuckled, Han-sae came over, ruffled my hair, and put his arm around my shoulder.

“Ah, you’re heavy, you brat.”

“Hey, a lot of people are watching. Watch your language.”

“Did you gain weight? Ugh, don’t press down. I won’t grow taller.”

“You won’t grow taller even if I don’t press. Haven’t you given up yet?”

“They said I’d grow until I’m twenty-five, okay? Get off me quickly.”

I’m the only one in Endorphin who’s too short. I wish I could grow just about 3cm more to reach the mid-170s.

Han-sae pressed down harder on my shoulder, telling me to give up. I’m holding back because there are many fans watching near the dorm, but when we get to the dorm, I’m going to kick that brat in the shins.

As I was helplessly being pressed down, Jae-yi said one weighty word, telling him to let go.

“He’s going to shrivel up. Let him go.”

Am I a liver? To shrivel up.

I wanted to pick a fight, but anyway, that Han-sae immediately said “Yep” and let go. Jae-yi approached as if taking a baton.

“If you want to grow taller, eat three balanced meals a day. The habit of eating only one full meal a day isn’t good for your stomach either.”

“You talk as if he’ll grow taller if he eats, don’t you? Don’t give Ira false hope, hahaha. Anyway, he should fix his binge eating, though.”

“You guys, stop your incessant nagging about food. I’ll eat on my own, okay?”

“Do you look like someone who won’t be nagged? What’s the point of starving all day and then eating two servings of meat? You’ll end up in big trouble that way.”

“Just curse me, damn it. And you’re a picky eater too. You don’t eat cheese, you don’t eat fried food.”

“That’s not picky eating for me, it’s diet management.”

“What he doesn’t eat is ‘diet management.’ That’s exactly what you call a double standard.”

“What nonsense are you saying? I just don’t eat foods that are bad for my body. It’s a different case.”

We bickered as we walked, and soon arrived at the dorm.

Yong-jun Hyung informed us that we’d be getting up at 5 AM tomorrow and then left.

Han-sae, who lost rock-paper-scissors, and Yadan, the youngest member, are sharing a room. Mun Hyung, Jae-yi, and I each have our own rooms, so we set our alarms separately.

“Ira, I put the fan Support you received in the fridge. The one you couldn’t eat.”

“Ah, thank you, Hyung.”

Mun Hyung had done something unnecessary.

After washing up and sleeping for a bit, I secretly got up around 2 AM. I tiptoed across the dark living room and returned to the kitchen.

I took out what I considered food waste, named ‘Support lunchbox,’ that was sitting squarely in the refrigerator.

Beep-boop.

I opened the front door and went down to the first floor where the food waste bin was. After checking that no one was around, I threw away the entire contents of the lunchbox. I also recycled the lunchbox container right next to it.

“Ugh, cold.”

I crossed my arms and quickly went back up. As I pressed the front door’s passcode and opened it, the living room light was on.

“Where have you been?”

“Ah, damn it. You startled me. Aren’t you sleeping?”

Jae-yi was standing in front of my room, with the door open.

“I asked where you’ve been.”

I hate to say this, but because his features are so distinct, his eyebrows are dark, and his build is large, when he sets that kind of mood and quietly looks down at me, I sometimes feel intimidated.

“I just went out for some fresh air because the meat I ate earlier wasn’t digesting well.”

“At this hour?”

“Yes, why did you wake up?”

“Because I heard the front door open.”

“You heard that? This guy has sharp hearing even when sleeping. Sorry for waking you. Go back to sleep quickly.”

“Your lunchbox was gone.”

Wow, that’s creepy. Why did he open the refrigerator?

“Were you hungry? Did you open it to eat? To eat it if it was there?”

“Did you eat it?”

“Yeah, I ate it. It was tasty.”

“What about the lunchbox container?”

“While I was out for fresh air, I recycled it right away. Hey, why are you coveting someone else’s when you’ve already eaten yours? A guy who even manages his body, at this hour of the morning. Be glad I ate it.”

“…….”

“Ah, I’m sleepy. You go back to sleep quickly too. Don’t eat anything in the middle of the night.”

Without waiting for his answer, I quickly went into the bathroom. A moment later, I heard him go back to his room.

“Phew…”

I thought my perfect record of disposing of my lunchbox was about to be broken. The members rarely come out once they go to sleep, so why did Jae-yi suddenly wake up? My heart almost dropped.

Feeling relieved, I quickly washed up and went into the safety of my room. Lying under the warm covers, I felt fortunate not to have been caught discarding the lunchbox, but then a wave of sadness washed over me.

Why do I have to be so self-conscious and make excuses?

Why do I have to secretly throw it away in the dead of night?

Why do I have to be anxious and nervous?

I want to speak.

To the members.

I really want to tell them. I’ve received death threats before. There was even an attempted murder. A fan gave me a homemade vanilla cookie, and it had cyanide in it. After that, I couldn’t eat anything given by fans.

I want to tell them.

But as always, I pressed down on my chest and held it in.

That was my job.

This afternoon, there are two fan signing events.

Thanks to this, the members were excited from the morning. Han-sae pestered the shop noona to draw his eyeliner darker, and Mun kept adjusting his hair in the mirror. Even quiet Yadan had a blush on his cheeks, but only Jae-yi was cynically playing on his phone as usual.

“Ira, your makeup is done. Go sit down without leaning your head back.”

“Yes… Oh.”

“Ugh!”

I forgot I had a water cup on my lap and spilled it when I stood up.

“Ah, I’m sorry, noona. Are you okay?”

As for me, I’d been making one mistake after another due to nervousness. Today alone, I’d already spilled water three times. The noona told me she was fine and sent me off to sit quietly.

As I sat in the corner of the sofa, nervously biting my nails, Jae-yi, who had been on his phone across the room, approached me.

“Don’t bite your nails. You bite them so much there’s nothing left to bite.”

“Ah, it’s just a habit.”

“You always get nervous at fan signing events.”

“Everyone does, not just me. You were nervous too, weren’t you?”

“Not at all.”

Jae-yi truly has an iron will. I’ve never seen him nervous, neither on stage nor in competitions.

“Tell me how not to get nervous. What do you eat to grow up like you?”

“Being nervous isn’t a bad thing. A moderate amount of tension is necessary. But in your case, it’s less about nervousness…” Jae-yi trailed off, frowning as he looked at my nails.

“You look scared.”

“…….”

I try to hide it… but it must be obvious. Of course. First, I need to break this nail-biting habit.

“What’s there to be scared of? Why would I be scared? I’m just standing in front of my fans.”

I scoffed and retorted, but Jae-yi merely stared. “Merely” isn’t quite the right word, actually. Jae-yi’s gaze is always so intense that even fans say they feel overwhelmed by it. I also felt a pang, as if everything I was hiding was being exposed. I glared back as if I had nothing to conceal.

“What? You wanna have a staring contest? Just say it, you punk.”

“…Not now.”

“What?”

“We’ll have a real staring contest soon. I’ll hear your reasons once this album promotion ends. We’ll talk later.”

“What reasons? Tell me now.”

“Why you’re afraid of fans.”

I snorted.

“Hey, honestly, it’s natural to be a little scared. You can’t just be completely comfortable with fans. The scariest people are often the ones who turn against you. Plus, I replaced someone; wouldn’t I be scared, honestly? There are probably still many fans who haven’t accepted me. I’m still scared.”

“I thought the same, which is why I haven’t said anything until now. I thought it would get better with time. But it’s only gotten worse.”

Jae-yi remained serious, ignoring my scoff.

“How much weight have you lost since you joined the group?”

“…I worked hard to lose it on a diet, so what?”

“That’s why I said we should talk later, because I don’t want to hear those kinds of lies.”

I pouted and avoided his gaze. Why do I have to talk to this punk about why I lost weight? I don’t understand it at all, and this situation just feels uncomfortable.

Honestly, he knows too. If you look at how the fans treat me, it’s obvious. He knows everything. So what does he want me to do, knowing all that? What kind of answer is he expecting?