ID Chapter 33

I couldn’t calm down a crying Jae-yi, but Kwon Su-han very coldly said, “Don’t just stand there, let’s sit down and talk.” Jae-yi, who was hugging me, flinched, startled, his shoulders rising. He seemed to have forgotten Kwon Su-han was there.

“And take off your shoes.”

Only then did I realize that Jae-yi hadn’t taken off his shoes. Jae-yi’s earlobes turned bright red.

“Give me your shoes and go wash your face. The bathroom’s over there.”

I whispered to Jae-yi. It was a very kind suggestion, but Jae-yi frowned, as if something still bothered him.

“Hey, give me your shoes.”

“…Damn it…”

Jae-yi bowed his head deeply and took off his shoes. I was about to take them, but Kwon Su-han snatched them first and tossed them into the entryway. Jae-yi, clearly mortified, headed to the bathroom, awkwardly covering his tear-stained face.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize he hadn’t taken off his shoes.”

“That’s not something for you to apologize for. Just sit down. Don’t stand there hurting your legs.”

“Yes.”

Kwon Su-han and I sat side by side on the carpet. I turned off the TV, but then, feeling the silence too oppressive, turned it back on.

Jae-yi emerged from the bathroom, his bangs wet, just like mine earlier. He twitched his cheek muscles, looking at us sitting side by side, then sat opposite me. Three glasses of water and some snacks were on the table, but no one touched them.

“…”

Jae-yi glared at Kwon Su-han with a disgruntled look. His dissatisfaction, wondering if Kwon Su-han really needed to be there, was palpable. Jae-yi probably wanted to talk to me alone. I felt the need for that too, but this was Kwon Su-han’s home, and asking him to leave felt a bit rude. As I shifted my sitting position, feeling uncomfortable, Jae-yi looked at me.

“…I’m sorry I didn’t know all this time.”

“…”

“I, of all people, should have known about your situation. I, above anyone else, should have noticed the difficulties you were in. Instead, I just pushed you, cluelessly… It’s pathetic.”

As Jae-yi started to blame himself, I quickly spoke up.

“Hey, of course you wouldn’t know, since I didn’t tell you. Don’t blame yourself.”

“No, you gave me plenty of signals. I just failed to notice them like an idiot.”

My heart throbbed at his words.

“You gave me chances so many times, but I never took them. When you used your aura to protect me, when you ate instant ramen instead of a packed lunch, when you didn’t share the food you received at fan signs. If I had paid attention, I could have known everything. I just ignored it like a fool. I was wrong. I…”

My heart throbbed painfully. I felt like crying again. I’d become such a crybaby. I didn’t want to cry in front of Jae-yi. To suppress the hot emotions rising within me, I bit my lip and tried my best.

“I’m sorry, Ira. I’m sorry. I thought your behavior was strange, but I shouldn’t have just left it at that; I should have paid more attention. I’m sorry for leaving you alone in such fear. And for just pushing you…”

“No, it’s okay. I…”

I shook my head.

“It would be a lie to say it wasn’t hard, but it was my choice, and I was prepared for it. Rather, I’m sorry to you and the members that the controversy grew because I carelessly threw away the trash.”

“Don’t say that. Everyone said they were sorry to you. I heard you even received a threatening letter recently. We thought that since all the fans liked you, such things wouldn’t happen. We were too complacent.”

I scoffed at his words.

Why is he saying something like that now? You all knew. You all knew your fans hated me. You neglected it because it was “obvious.” Now that everything’s out in the open, why? Are you afraid I’ll get hurt all over again?

A desire to mock Jae-yi surged within me. Even though Jae-yi wasn’t to blame.

Just then, a hand gently stroked the back of my head. Kwon Su-han stroked my hair with a face that looked completely oblivious to what his hand was doing.

My heart began to calm. In contrast, Jae-yi’s eyes blazed like fire.

“It wasn’t aura amplification, but aura healing, wasn’t it? What you two have been meeting for all this time.”

“Jae-yi, was it? What do you mean all the fans like Ira? That’s quite different from what I heard from Ira. Ira said all of Endorphin’s fans disliked him.”

Jae-yi bristled at Kwon Su-han, who was responding to something other than his question, then quickly looked as if he’d been punched. I, annoyed at Kwon Su-han for making things awkward, shook my head, swatting his hand away.

“Why would you say something like that?”

“What are you talking about? How much the fans… how much they like you.”

“It’s fine. You don’t have to try to hide it since we all know. You and the members already knew, anyway, that I’m hated.”

“There were people who disliked you when you first joined, but everyone likes you now! They cheer for your every voice and every move, restless to love you more. What in the world are you talking about?”

“You don’t have to lie. Every time we had a mini fan meeting, there were no fans who said they liked me, which delayed things. My gift box was always the emptiest. Last time, when they gave group support lunch boxes, only I didn’t get a letter. When group gifts came in, I was the only one left out. As you know… I don’t understand why you’re trying to hide it.”

I tried to speak as calmly as possible, but despair gradually settled in Jae-yi’s eyes. I didn’t know why Kwon Su-han would bring up such a topic in this situation, making things so awkward. Jae-yi spoke in a desolate voice.

“…You know we released five versions of individual covers for this album, right?”

“Huh?”

“Yours sold the most.”

I blinked, unable to understand what Jae-yi was saying.

“The fan letters sent to the company, yours are the most numerous. For individual fan cafe members, you’re second. Your individual teaser video views are also second. You’d know if you just counted the number of letters received on the official fan site!”

Jae-yi shouted. I was startled, but Kwon Su-han gently put his arm around my shoulder, preventing me from stepping back.

“Ira seemed not to know.”

“Why… why wouldn’t he know? Why…”

“If he doesn’t use the internet, he might not know how many views or letters he receives. If he keeps experiencing misfortunes like not being chosen at mini fan meetings or receiving fewer gift boxes, how can he know his popularity on the internet that he doesn’t even use? Or has anyone ever told him?”

“…….”

“Has anyone ever told Ira that, unlike when he first joined, the fans now all like and love him?”

“Well, of course, he would know that,”

“Of course, he wouldn’t know if he hasn’t been told.”

Jae-yi’s face hardened. My face probably wasn’t much different.

The three of us were silent, as if by agreement. My mind was very complex. I was confused. I couldn’t understand Jae-yi’s words… it was as if… he was saying I had fans.

That doesn’t make sense.

It’s true that I was always the only one not chosen at mini fan meetings. It’s also true that I had the fewest gift boxes, and that my letter was missing when support lunchboxes came in.

What is Jae-yi talking about?

My heart was pounding hard, so I put my hand on my chest, and both of them reacted simultaneously.

“Why? Are you hurting somewhere?”

“What’s wrong?”

“…My head hurts.”

Kwon Su-han frowned, seeing me hold my chest and say my head hurt. Kwon Su-han lifted my bangs and felt my forehead.

“You have a fever.”

I leaned on Kwon Su-han. Jae-yi squirmed as if he would jump up at any moment. I barely managed to straighten my tilted upper body again. Kwon Su-han, with one hand on my forehead and the other around my shoulder, whispered a question.

“It would be better to rest a bit. Shall we talk about the rest later?”

“No. I’m fine.”

I took Kwon Su-han’s hand off my forehead. Kwon Su-han looked at me with a face that had a lot to say. Kwon Su-han’s large hand had only caressed my forehead for a moment, but that was enough to somewhat alleviate my headache and confusion.

Jae-yi watched every single action of Kwon Su-han and me with intense eyes, his mouth tightly shut. I looked at Jae-yi and started saying what I had originally intended.

“I didn’t intend to make such a big deal out of this. What I asked CEO Shin Dong-woo was not to announce it to the public, but just to inform the members. So that in the future, you could understand even if I don’t eat the lunchboxes from your fans, or share the food that comes to me.”

“Don’t say ‘your’ fans. Everyone likes you so much…”

“The fan sites… I’ll go check them out. And the fan cafe too.”

I don’t know how much I can really believe it, though. The fan cafe has a bulletin board where fans can write letters to Endorphin members, and there’s still a ‘to Go Yu-jin’ category, and since I’m not the type to deliberately search for hurtful posts to read, it’s been a long time since I’ve been there. Even if they were fans before, many would have quit like “chick fans” because of this incident. I’m scared that if I go in this time, I’ll only read those kinds of posts again.

“…If I say this now, Ira, your head might hurt even more.”

Jae-yi’s mouth twisted. He was trying to suppress his anger.

“All the members are angry with CEO Shin Dong-woo. He should have kept silent about what needed to be kept silent, but instead, he made us, who are closer than anyone, hide it, and he didn’t take any action, instead blaming you. We’re fed up with his behavior, so now there’s even talk among us about terminating our contracts.”

Ah…

I put my hand to my forehead. My temples throbbed.

“Although the contract period remains, neglecting an artist to the point where their health is at risk can be a sufficient reason for termination. Public opinion is on our side, and… you… are you okay?”

My head hurt so much that my vision blurred, and I felt nauseous. All I could think was, “My headache medicine is at the dorm, what do I do?” When I couldn’t answer, Kwon Su-han flowed aura into me. My aura and his aura gently combined, soothing my throbbing temples and the area around my heart. The effect of the aura healing was immediate. Jae-yi was looking at me with worried eyes.

“If we terminate the contract… the name Endorphin will disappear. Is everyone okay with that? What about your fans?”

“Everyone is prepared for it, and ‘our’ fans want it too. Why are you reacting like that? I thought you’d be happy about it.”

You thought I’d be happy?

A hollow laugh escaped me.

Jae-yi will be popular wherever he goes. There will be countless places begging him to sign a contract. Mun, Yadan, and Han-sae will all have many places calling for them even after leaving Shik City. But what about me? Me, who has so many anti-fans that I’m called the nation’s punching bag, to the point where they tried to kill me? No company would want to take me on. I won’t have any more opportunities. I…

“Are you… perhaps not wanting to leave this company right now?”

Jae-yi asked in a tone of disbelief.

“No. I want to leave. It would be good to leave.”

But I don’t have other opportunities. If I leave here, I’ll be…

“What the hell? Then why are you like this?”

“…….”

“Damn it… You, please just say something.”

I understand how frustrated he must be. But it’s so hard to voice the answer in my heart.

After revealing the cyanide incident, many new problems have arisen. My mind is complicated. I wish there were just enough worries that I wouldn’t regret revealing it.

“Regarding the contract,”

Kwon Su-han opened his mouth. I was grateful he intervened at such an opportune moment. So much so that I wondered if he read my emotions with his aura.

“We’ll discuss it again tomorrow when Ira’s parents arrive. It’s also something you need to discuss with an adult.”

“…That’s not your business to meddle in.”

“And this isn’t the time for you to blindly demand an answer.”

Kwon Su-han casually retorted the sharp words. Jae-yi’s eyes blazed. Kwon Su-han, on the other hand, was cool and composed.

My head started hurting even more…

It was late in the evening, and Jae-yi’s phone kept ringing with calls looking for him, so we decided to end the conversation for now.

As I stood at the entrance to see Jae-yi off, he glanced at Kwon Su-han standing behind me and asked me.

“When do you plan to return to the dorm? We also need to talk among ourselves about the contract.”

“Uh… I don’t know.”

“If you go to the dorm, is there an Adapter to treat Ira?”

Kwon Su-han hit Jae-yi where it hurt, but actually, he hit me too. This house, where I only have good memories and someone to heal me, is much better than the dorm, where I can only recall difficult things.

When I hesitated, Jae-yi seemed offended.

“If you don’t like the dorm, I’ll find a separate house. Around this area.”

“It would be wise to rationally consider what is more important: your feelings or the Adapter’s healing.”

“…I asked Ira. Why do you keep interfering?”

“My apologies. Please continue your conversation.”

Sparks of fire seemed to fly from Jae-yi’s gaze as he glared at Kwon Su-han. Was Jae-yi really such a childish person? Kwon Su-han stood casually, arms crossed, relaxed yet indifferent. Jae-yi seemed to get even more annoyed by that, and Kwon Su-han probably wasn’t unaware of it. He was definitely doing this on purpose, knowing full well.

I decided I should quickly send Jae-yi off at this point.

“My parents are coming tomorrow, so I’m not sure yet. I’ll contact you tomorrow. Get home safely.”

As I spoke, I elbowed Kwon Su-han, who was bickering with someone ten years his junior. Kwon Su-han had a feigned innocent expression, as if saying, ‘What did I do?’ With that calmly composed face, it seemed like this hyung was even more competitive. Truly childishly…

“…….”

Jae-yi’s answer didn’t come back. It was too quiet, so I looked ahead in surprise.

Jae-yi was looking at me with hurt eyes. I could feel his hurt from his tightly shut mouth and trembling eyes.

Why…

As soon as the question formed, I knew why. I had just been too indifferent. I hadn’t given Jae-yi the answer he wanted, and I said goodbye without even looking at his face. Jae-yi might feel like I pushed him away.

My heart ached faintly.

But I let Jae-yi leave without correcting him until the very end.

The guy who had fiercely glared when clashing with Kwon Su-han, left forlornly with one turn of my face… like a bonfire whose flames were extinguished by water, dying out.

I pressed my hand against my throbbing chest. Kwon Su-han waited behind me until I calmed down.

A question from a while ago came to mind.

“It’s not… completely irreversible, is it?”

Why am I thinking of that question now?

Why did I let Jae-yi leave without comforting him?

Why…