ID Chapter 35

Kwon Su-han escorted his parents out. I was left alone in the desolate living room. Ah… what is this? As soon as he left, my head started throbbing… I should take some headache medicine. Jin-ho had bought some earlier.

“Hyung.”

“Huh? Huh?”

The study door opened. I had completely forgotten Min was there. To avoid letting him know I’d forgotten, I stood up with a natural smile.

“You must be tired from your long journey, aren’t you? Get some rest… No… Should I peel some fruit for you?”

I just blurted out anything. It wasn’t my house, and I didn’t even know how to peel fruit, but…

“You peel it and eat it yourself.”

Because I knew Min would unconditionally refuse.

He used to be chubby, small, and cute, but now he’s grown so much. Min left home around the time he started elementary school, so every time I see him, I’m surprised by how much he’s changed. Anyone would recognize him as a Motioner.

Min strode over and sat in the seat where Dad had been sitting earlier. Looking at them like this, they really are a father and son who resemble each other greatly.

“If you’re just going to make Mom cry, why don’t you just quit being an idol?”

“…I’m sorry. It’s my fault, so I have nothing to say.”

“Damn it, why is that your fault, Hyung? This is what I hate about you.”

He never used to swear, but perhaps because he’s fifteen and in his turbulent teens, he’s just started using profanity. That kind and cute Min. He also never openly said he disliked something… My heart stung.

I could only mumble “I’m sorry” again, as if apologizing. After that, an awkward silence flowed between us.

If the members were here now, they would have found this scene amusing. The members always found it strange how I became especially timid around my younger brother. I remember Go Yu-jin also found it interesting, saying it was the first time he’d seen an older sibling with a significant age gap act so weak.

Talking to my younger brother is exhausting. There’s nothing to talk about, and I have to constantly be mindful, which gives me a headache. Min probably finds this situation awkward and tiring too, but he just pouted his lips and didn’t leave, so I couldn’t get up either.

I tried to strike up a conversation.

“Now that I think about it, have you given up on Aura Ball Sports?”

“Are you scolding me for worrying Mom too?”

“No, I didn’t mean that…”

“I’m going to do Aura Sports. Just like you want to be an idol, I want to play Aura Ball.”

With him saying that, I had nothing to say.

As I grew disheartened, Min spoke to me this time.

“There’s a rumor about contract termination; is the group disbanding?”

“I don’t know… I’ll have to discuss it with the members.”

“Even if you disband, if it’s you, Hyung, there will be many places calling you, so you’ll just pick and choose.”

Min’s attitude was defiant. Min always envied me for being a Soul User. But I envied him for being a Motioner.

“That won’t happen. No one will call me…”

“Are you kidding me? There must be many places already eyeing you and reaching out.”

Min scoffed, took out his phone, and handed it to me.

“This post went up while you were talking to Mom and Dad earlier.”

There was a long post and a photo.

I began reading the first sentence, feeling dazed, and then froze.

“She said she didn’t know it was a recalled product when she gave it to you. She attached pictures of albums and bromides, saying she’s a hardcore fan.”

Min spoke casually and then gave me time to read the post.

The young fan who gave me the Apple Juice said that “apples” are good for Soul Users, so she really wanted Ira to eat it, and she only found out that the product contained toxic ingredients when she saw the news. The product was purchased at a convenience store near the concert venue, and the owner admitted to not fully recalling the product, leading to a police report. She also added that her older brother, who controversially posted about it without permission, was sincerely regretting his actions.

That fan… attached albums with my face on the cover and bromides, saying she was a fan who loved me dearly.

She was incredibly sorry for causing me trouble and that her heart ached for scaring me. But her love was sincere.

A fierce debate was raging in the comments. Many comments cursed this fan. As I read the post, tears streamed down my face.

“Hy- Ah, geez, why are you crying? Damn it… Don’t cry.”

Min, flustered, tried to comfort me. Not knowing what else to do, he picked up whatever was nearby and gave it to me to wipe my tears with, but it was the dishrag that had been used to wipe the table earlier. I knew it was a dishrag, yet I wiped my eyes with it.

“Uh, Hyung. That’s a dish… Hyung, here. Wipe it with this. Ah, geez… Why are you crying so much? You’re old enough. Here, wipe it with tissue. Give me that… Ah, geez…”

Realizing it was a dishrag, Min looked incredibly flustered, fumbling to give me tissues and take the dishrag back. But I buried my face in the dishrag and sobbed.

My fan was so pitiful.

“I really like you guys… I came here by chance today with my classmates for school homework, and it’s so great that you guys are here by chance… I didn’t expect to see you, so I hurriedly bought this… I’m sorry it’s nothing special…”

I had thought she was such a cute fan.

“Apples are good for Ira-oppa, you know.”

I had completely forgotten that apples were considered Soul Food. It was such a well-intentioned gesture, and she must have been shocked to learn that the product actually contained toxins. How hurt must she have been when she heard from her older brother that I tried to throw away the Apple Juice? Even now… with so many blaming comments, and her being such a young girl, isn’t she getting hurt?

I felt a strong desire to comfort this fan.

And a good idea came to mind.

I had a channel through which I could communicate with my fans.

“Have you stopped now?”

“Yes. Thank you for telling me. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have known since I don’t go online.”

“Uh… well…”

As I lifted my face, Min immediately took the dishrag. He picked it up with his fingertips, threw it in the kitchen, and came back. I logged into my SNS account on my phone, where my last login had been seven months ago.

“What are you doing? Going to post something?”

“Yes.”

As soon as I logged in, my phone kept vibrating with messages flooding in real-time. Messages kept coming in so fast I couldn’t even type. As I floundered, Min said, looking exasperated.

“Just turn off the notifications.”

I don’t know how to turn them off.

“Give it here.”

Min took my phone, disabled the notifications, and handed it back to me.

“What are you going to write?”

“…….”

Min asked casually, but for me, it was a profound and difficult question. What should I write?

Even though I had resolved to do this, I wondered if it wouldn’t be better to write it after consulting with Kwon Su-han. Or at least ask Jae-yi first…

I would definitely make a mistake. It could turn into a situation where I’m pouring oil on a fire if I write something impulsively and emotionally.

“What are you agonizing over?”

“No, I was wondering if it’s okay to post something so carelessly.”

“Why carelessly? This is your business, Hyung. It’s your own business, why call it careless? Why have you become so timid?”

Right. Since when did I become so dependent?

This is my business. I’m already relying on Kwon Su-han for so much; I can’t ask him for something as trivial as posting on SNS. I’m an adult, and this whole mess happened because of me.

But even so, I ultimately couldn’t write a single letter.

I heard Min sighing next to me. I sighed along with him and turned off the screen.

My parents and Min stayed at a nearby hotel. My parents subtly wished I would stay with them too, but Kwon Su-han’s bed was so comfortable that I honestly didn’t want to go. Still, I was about to nod, unable to refuse, when Kwon Su-han put his arm around my shoulder and said,

“I need to perform aura healing, so I’ll have him sleep at my place for a while. He often falls asleep during the healing process.”

Thanks to him saying that, I was able to stay longer.

I spent some time playing with the bubbles in the large bathtub, making them expand and contract, before coming out. Kwon Su-han saw me, water dripping from my hair, put down the tablet PC he was looking at, and gestured for me to come over. I ran and slumped onto the sofa.

“Don’t run. You’ll fall.”

“I won’t fall.”

“You need to dry your hair properly, too.”

Kwon Su-han took out the hairdryer and dried my hair. I gradually leaned my body towards Kwon Su-han instead of the sofa. I felt a pleasant weariness. After drying it to some extent, he turned off the hairdryer and gently brushed my hair back.

“I was looking at posts on ‘Ira-deokhu’s House.’”

I didn’t even ask…

“Ira-deokhu’s House?”

“Yes, it’s a famous fan page. You don’t know it?”

I just blinked, not knowing what it was, so he turned on the tablet PC screen and showed me. I peered forward, just my face, to look at the screen.

Most of it was ‘ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ’. Almost everyone was crying.

As I quietly watched, Kwon Su-han touched one of the posts. The screen was densely filled with text, expressing how much they liked Ira and how sorry they were. I adjusted my posture and held the tablet PC with both hands. Then I read each post one by one.

Kwon Su-han gazed at me, then swiftly flipped through the pages and touched a long-titled post.

The title was, ‘I’m an Ira-deokhu, and I understand the self-doubt about what I’ve been doing until now.’

Seeing that title, I felt a little scared, but I read it with the thought that Kwon Su-han must have a reason for showing it to me.

After reading it all, I found myself crying unconsciously.

Tears, it seems, well up endlessly no matter how much you cry. Kwon Su-han wiped away the tears flowing down my cheek with his finger. I outright sobbed and hugged Kwon Su-han. As I buried my face in his wide embrace, Kwon Su-han was surprised for a moment, then calmly patted my back with his large hand and stroked my hair.

I don’t deserve such love.

Thank you so much.

I wanted to convey those words. That I was so thankful. Truly grateful.

After calming down a bit, I started reading voraciously, intending to read every post on the homepage. Honestly, there were too many to read them all, but I read most of the ones with many comments. Kwon Su-han also leaned his head against mine and read with me. There were so many interesting photos and posts. In a post titled ‘Ira-deokhu’s with pride in Ira’s gaming incompetence, come in lolol’, there was a 10-minute video compiling all the moments I’d made mistakes in games I’d played. I tried not to watch it all, but Kwon Su-han took it from me and watched it to the end. Kwon Su-han was laughing with his hand over his mouth, and my face turned red. After seeing most of the posts like that, I gathered a little more courage.

I went into Endorphin’s official fan café.

The ‘to Go Yu-jin’ board still had a ‘new’ notification next to it. I decided not to concern myself with other boards.

‘to Ira’

Countless posts were there.

I scrolled back, back through the pages. There were so many posts that it took a long time to scroll back to the beginning.

That fact made me so sad.

My fans… had been writing such heartfelt letters that I would never read. So many that there was no end to the pages, even as I kept flipping through them…

“Ira, stop crying. You’ll get dehydrated at this rate.”

“…It’s too, too pitiful. So much…”

What is this?

From so long ago… How could this be? It wasn’t that I didn’t know; I knew that letters expressing affection for me were occasionally posted. But I was afraid I might read something hateful, so I never came in, and I didn’t hide the fact that I didn’t use the internet. And yet, they kept doing this.

Even during that time, they worked so hard…

“Oh dear… he’s crying too much.”

As I burst into tears, perhaps out of concern, he clucked his tongue and let aura flow into me. I burrowed into Kwon Su-han’s embrace just as before. I felt so heartbroken. The fan who gave me the Apple Juice was pitiful, the fans who wrote letters were so pitiful, and I, who hadn’t read any of them, was also so pitiful.

If I had known about these places, I wouldn’t have had to struggle so much for those 8 months. If I had read these posts.

Kwon Su-han held me tightly. I also cried freely in his arms.

I couldn’t hold back my tears, heartbroken by the mismatched timing between my fans and me.

If only someone had told me… resentment welled up. But I knew it was no one else’s fault but my own. It was because I had turned away and avoided it.

My fans had been waiting for me right where they were.

After crying for a long time and the heartbreak passed, my heart pounded. A fierce wave rose in my chest. I had to get up now. Now, now it was my turn for them.

I looked up at Kwon Su-han. Kwon Su-han, with a deep furrow in his brow, carefully brushed his finger across my likely swollen eyelids. I was practically embraced by him.

“You’ve finally stopped crying. I want to tell you to cry your heart out, but crying too much isn’t good for your health.”

Kwon Su-han mumbled softly, ‘…nor for my health.’

I sat up more comfortably in his arms and bravely wiped away the remaining tears on his shirt.

There was something I wanted to do now.

“Did you read my thoughts?”

“As I’ve said before, it’s not thoughts, but emotions that are conveyed.”

Kwon Su-han smoothed out his furrowed brow. Then he gently brushed back my hair. At first glance, his face might seem cool and emotionless, but I could feel a warm affection in his gaze towards me. That was a sufficient answer.

I think I wanted not Kwon Su-han’s permission, but his agreement. The agreement of the only trustworthy adult who stood by me.

I went into my SNS account and touched the writing box.

@LEERAENDORPHIN

[Hello, this is Ira. It’s been a while. I’m writing this because I don’t want my fans to be hurt anymore. I’ve thought a lot seeing those who apologize to me, even though I was the one who didn’t believe in your love all this time. I remember how genuinely shy you were when you gave me gifts. I’m sorry for being away from my place for too long. Please forgive me for doubting the fan who gave me the Apple Juice. Both the fan and I were a little unlucky. Now, I hope none of us get hurt anymore. I’m okay now. It’s all thanks to you. I’ll share updates often from now on. Thank you, everyone.]