ID Chapter 38

“With Kwon Su-han… Is Kwon Su-han just a guardian?”

“Is that the first thing you want to ask?”

“..Yes. Because I want to know if you’ve already found someone else.”

Jae-yi looked straight at me. Jae-yi’s gaze was always like a burning flame. I used to think that if I got too close, I’d melt from the heat.

“It’s not the kind of relationship you’re thinking of. But I also have no intention of being in that kind of relationship with you.”

“Why? What in the world… why did you suddenly change?”

“Don’t say ‘suddenly.’ As you know, we could never have been lovers from the start. We’re idols, and even in the same group.”

“If Endorphin is a hindrance, I’ll quit Endorphin.”

“Hey, your priorities are…”

“Of course, you’re more important! Damn it, don’t make me state the obvious, just tell me why.”

Jae-yi came closer. He pushed me towards the backrest of the sofa. When I raised my hand to push him away, he grabbed my wrist and shoved it back.

“I can’t understand.”

“Wait, ugh…”

He released my wrist when I groaned from the pain of it being slightly bent, but instead, he pressed me down onto the sofa. Then he put his knees on either side of my thighs, trapping me so I couldn’t move. Jae-yi’s strength was so immense, it was like a solid concrete wall. I gave up resisting.

“We clearly liked each other. The last… that last day you looked at me with a gaze like spring sunshine, we laughed with each other, enjoyed ourselves, and regretted the passing time! We spent it that way… didn’t we? Why, exactly, did you slowly drift away from the very next day? You started changing then.”

Jae-yi’s face, looking down at me, was contorted. With terrible anger and a sense of betrayal.

And tears welled up in his eyes. How long had he been holding back his tears? I only realized now that we were so close.

“What did I do wrong that day?”

His voice, exhaled like a sigh, held anguish and pain.

“…No.”

“Did I do something offensive? I’m sorry. I don’t remember, but I made a mistake. I won’t do it again. So please, come back.”

Tears welled up in my eyes as I looked at Jae-yi. Though the meaning of my tears might be different from his.

I raised my other free hand and placed it on Jae-yi’s shoulder.

“I heard everything from Mun.”

That day, Jae-yi and I went in at different times. Jae-yi went in first, and I was lingering outside when Mun caught me.

Recalling that moment, I pushed Jae-yi away. With wide eyes, Jae-yi was pushed back helplessly.

“You said you’d only stay friends from now on. You agreed to it, didn’t you? That’s why I agreed too. Because you said you would.”

“What…?”

“Why are you making me say these things? You made that choice. I’m the one who has no idea why you’re acting like this.”

“What are you talking about, damn it. I’ve never even heard such bullshit!! I never said such a thing. ‘Friendship’? Why would I…!!”

Startled by his thunderous shout, I flinched my shoulders. Jae-yi’s face was distraught, and his eyes were trembling.

Was it because I was a Souler? Or was it simply because I knew Jae-yi so well? I felt it instinctively.

That it was a lie.

“That bastard Mun drove a wedge between us!”

“Don’t talk about Mun like that! Be honest. You have an idea, don’t you?”

“No. I don’t know. I never said that.”

“Jae-yi, don’t lie to me. If there’s a misunderstanding, you need to tell me the whole truth to resolve it. Lying will only create more misunderstandings.”

Jae-yi didn’t answer. Should I release my aura? Should I stir Jae-yi’s emotions? But I endured patiently.

Perhaps I was hoping that Mun had fabricated things.

But what would change even if he had?

I don’t even know my own heart.

“……Outwardly…”

After a long moment of deliberation, Jae-yi bit his lip and lowered his head.

“He kept nagging me about the team’s future, so because it was annoying and bothersome, I told him not to worry, that we’d maintain a friendship. I… my intention was, outwardly, to pretend to be friends without making it obvious. I didn’t know it would be heard that way, or conveyed to you that way. Damn it…! That wasn’t what I meant at all…!”

Anguish… pain and regret overflowed in every single word.

Ah… I also closed my eyes in distress. My face must have been as contorted as Jae-yi’s.

Jae-yi, bothered by Mun’s worried nagging, probably intended to give a vague answer and avoid the situation.

That answer left room for Mun to misunderstand.

Perhaps Mun, even if he understood the true meaning, might have pretended not to. This might also be why he acted so guilty towards me.

But it’s not like I can go run and ask him now, is it?

“Hyung, did you know that Jae-yi didn’t mean it that way back then, but still deceived me?” Now that everything is over…

“What in the world… did that one phrase back then cause all this…? That one thoughtless phrase… I had forgotten about it until now.”

Jae-yi’s voice trembled uncontrollably. I opened my eyes.

Jae-yi was now kneeling before me, crying.

Tears also dripped onto my thighs.

Jae-yi and my relationship… had ended because of such a misunderstanding. Jae-yi shouldn’t have rashly uttered words that could be misunderstood. I should have confirmed it with Jae-yi one more time. Just a few months ago, we were too young and not cautious enough, and that’s how we let our bond slip away.

My heart was torn. It was hard to breathe. My nose, forehead, and temples all throbbed.

Tears kept flowing from the regret and sorrow over a bond we had lost.

“I like you, Ira.”

Jae-yi looked up at me. His face was drenched in tears.

“I’m sorry it’s so late, sorry for this confession that comes too late. But there hasn’t been a single day I haven’t liked you. From the first time I saw you.”

“…….”

“Damn it… This feeling is new to me, so I didn’t realize it. I realized it too late. Even when you had changed and I unknowingly chased after your retreating back, even when I saw you smiling happily in front of others, I love you. I’ve always loved you. I…”

Jae-yi continued to speak, choking back sobs intermittently.

He was also my first love… and I only realized it was love after it passed.

There was so much I wanted to say. If it had just been a month earlier, I would have hugged him and cried it all out.

If the misunderstanding had been resolved then, and we had naturally become a couple…

I would have confided in Jae-yi about the Cyanide Cookie incident. Jae-yi would have made CEO Shin Dong-woo find the culprit, and with a lover by my side comforting me, I wouldn’t have suffered this level of fear and trauma.

I wouldn’t have met Kwon Su-han either.

Jae-yi would have been the one to gently and warmly tend to my wounds.

Ah… it was so agonizing, I could barely breathe.

I couldn’t give Jae-yi the answer he wanted.

The future I had let slip away in vain kept coming back to me, the happy moments we could have had kept playing in my imagination, making me regretful, tormented, and pained…

But my heart was already…

I approached him. And sat down in front of him in the same posture.

“Jae-yi, I…”

“Don’t answer.”

I swallowed my sobs and opened my mouth, but Jae-yi hurriedly cut me off.

“Don’t answer now, please…”

Jae-yi grabbed both of my forearms. His touch was burning. Jae-yi’s eyes were boiling with such intensity that my heart momentarily pounded.

“Think about it more.”

“…….”

“Don’t come to a conclusion so easily. I can’t accept the decision you’d make right now. I like you too much to tolerate that. Think about it more, consider it more. Think until your head explodes, even about how we drifted apart due to misunderstandings, and then give me your answer.”

His grip was so strong it hurt my forearms. Jae-yi didn’t seem to realize how tightly he was holding me.

The area he held throbbed hotly.

It was desperation.

“…….”

I… looked up at Jae-yi and subtly nodded. Only after he met my eyes and confirmed my choice did the strength leave his hands.

I, too, lost my strength and slumped down right there. Jae-yi momentarily reached out to support me but then withdrew his hand. He didn’t even ask if I was okay.

I had to think about it until my head exploded, just as he said.

That was out of respect for Jae-yi.

I left first, leaving Jae-yi alone. I checked for signs of crying in the elevator mirror, and they were so obvious that I took a hat from my luggage and put it on. Thanks to the members having packed my bags beforehand, I only had about one and a half bags, but they were heavy and not easy to carry.

‘You go first. I… will go in a little while.’

Jae-yi, with his head bowed low and his voice deeply subdued, kept coming to mind, but I shook my head vigorously, trying to erase him from my thoughts.

As I arrived in front of the restaurant building, a message came from Go Yu-jin.

[Where are you?]

[Right in front.]

Go Yu-jin [Okay, come quickly ^^]

If I went in alone without Jae-yi, they would ask why, and I didn’t know what to say. I sighed as I went up.

Passing through the long corridor, when I reached the sliding door, I heard voices.

“…Honestly, I don’t really know. It was just that one time, and it’s unfortunate about Mallang-i, but nothing else happened, right?”

It was Han-sae. I drew a breath and stood pressed against the wall next to the door.

“I wonder if it’s really something that would cause trauma, for just that much…”

“…Perhaps it’s because he’s a Souler; he’s sensitive…”

The members were talking about me. The content was that they couldn’t understand me.

Was this nightmarish incident, which had tormented me for eight months both in reality and in dreams, truly ‘just that much’ to other people? Was I just a sensitive Souler, trapped by ‘just that much,’ reacting intensely?

I felt hollow.

I know. How could I expect complete understanding from others? Until now, only one person had truly understood me. Still, the members, despite their true feelings, had outwardly tried to comfort me and match my mood. That was enough.

I knew it, but… my heart was already in tatters because of Jae-yi, and then… hearing the members’ true thoughts made me feel like I was sinking into an endless shadow. With a heart like this, I didn’t think I could face the members.

[Hyung, I’m sorry, but could you bring my bag down…]

Writing the message and walking back quickly, I suddenly stopped, struck by a thought.

Since birth, meeting my parents, debuting as an idol, and up until this very moment, I had lost so much due to repeated misfortunes and misunderstandings.

Even just now… I only realized it was a misunderstanding after the fact.

A love that was so precious…

I refuse to misunderstand things anymore. If I’m going to get hurt and feel pain anyway, I’ll confirm it myself.

I walked back the way I came.

“…No, Hyung, that’s not what I meant… not understanding is separate. Now that we know he’s a chick not just on the outside but on the inside too, we should…”

They were still talking about me, but the content was different from before.

“How much trouble must the poor kid have gone through? He’s so kind-hearted, he couldn’t tell anyone. Thinking about how we harassed him for not eating, I feel terribly sorry.”

“How lucky we are that he forgave us. If it were me, I’d be so angry I wouldn’t even talk to us, would I?”

“And it’s a good thing Ira Hyung is so careful. If he had received another food gift, things might have become irreversible then.”

…..Haha…

Why did they say those things earlier and make me confused?

I felt hollow in a different way than before, and strength left my body. I leaned my back against the wall and let out a deflated laugh.

If I had just turned back then, I would have lived my whole life misunderstanding the members.

How many things had I misunderstood in this way? If I had gathered the courage to confirm with Jae-yi, how different would we have been?

“If you think about it, you have to be that emotional and sensitive to sing and be an idol, and…”

Just then, hearing the words, I sharply slid the door open.

“Ah, you startled me. Ira, you’re here?”

“Wow, speak of the devil.”

Han-sae and Mun were surprised, but there were no expressions of distress or awkwardness. I smiled and walked in. Yadan quickly took the bag I was holding.

“Were you talking about me?”

“Yeah, you rascal. We were saying that being an idol suits you perfectly.”

Han-sae sat me down next to him, took off my hat, and messed up my hair. No one had the expression of being caught talking behind my back. However, Go Yu-jin looked at me with a slightly surprised expression, which soon turned coldly subdued.

“…….”

His eyes were chilling, like looking into the eyes of a reptile devoid of emotion.

Unexpectedly, no one asked about Jae-yi’s whereabouts. Perhaps everyone was being considerate because I had obvious signs of crying. Even the usually clueless Han-sae was quiet, so they must have heard something.

I quickly gathered my belongings and came out. Mun said he would move my bags to his car and drive me to the Adapter-Exclusive Apartment.

“I could just call a taxi.”

“I have to do at least this much. As the eldest brother, I haven’t done anything for you. Let me help you with this, okay?”

“…Alright.”

Come to think of it, Mun feels unusually sorry for me among the members.

I pondered while looking at Mun’s profile as he drove.

That one word that completely separated Jae-yi and me back then…

Could Mun have understood Jae-yi’s true feelings back then? Is that why he’s so apologetic now?

However, I would never ask Mun this question. No, maybe I could ask him someday, much later, but not now. I felt it was a time when it was okay not to know the truth.

“What is it, Ira? Do you have something to say?”

Mun asked with a gentle smile. His gaze remained fixed on the road ahead. I flinched in surprise and brought up a different topic.

“No, you were talking about me earlier when I left. I was just curious what it was about…”

“Oh, that. Go Yu-jin asked us. He seemed curious if we had experienced incidents similar to yours.”

“Go Yu-jin?”

“Yeah, when we said we hadn’t experienced anything like that, he asked what we thought we would have done. Did it upset you?”

“No, it’s fine. I was just curious.”

I smiled at Mun as if it were nothing. But when I turned my head to look out the window, my expression was rigid.

If I calculated the time I sent the message saying I was nearby, they would have known I’d arrive around then…

…I couldn’t help but think that.