ID Chapter 45

The members smiled and made space for me. Go Yu-jin twitched his eyebrow and took a step back.

I laughed through my tears. Wiping away the constantly flowing tears, I tried to show a beautiful smile to the fans. The members teased me, saying horns would sprout from my butt, but I couldn’t stop.

“Thank you… Thank you so much. I like all of you very much too.”

I said that while crying. The fans were also crying a lot. The concert hall had completely turned into a sea of tears.

I couldn’t have imagined a situation like this, a scene like this.

Endorphin’s fans, waving signs that said they liked Ira, crying with me… a sight like this.

My heart kept swelling with emotion. The cyanide, the abandonment and re-adoption, CEO Shin Dong-woo’s threats, Go Yu-jin — all were forgotten.

In this moment, realizing I was loved by my fans, nothing could make me feel afraid.

It took time for my tears to stop. While the members talked to lighten the mood, Go Yu-jin didn’t say a word.

After I had calmed down enough to sing again, I finally introduced my solo stage.

“We’ll be listening backstage too. Do well. Fighting!”

“I want to wave that sign too. But you can’t cry while singing. I’m worried because you’ve cried so much.”

“It’s okay. Fans will like you even if you hit a wrong note, Ira.”

The members encouraged me in their own ways as they left the stage.

“Just do as you always do. Don’t feel too pressured.”

“Okay… Thank you.”

Jae-yi stroked my hair, smiled once, then brought his lips to my ear and whispered very softly.

“Your family is in Section 3, second floor. Kwon Su-han is in Section 1, third floor.”

“…Huh?”

“He wasn’t there at first, but he came in midway. He rushed in and now he’s got a sign from a fan next to him and is waving it along.”

I blinked and looked at Section 1, third floor. With my eyesight, all I could see was a yellow sign.

In the meantime, Jae-yi left the stage.

As I pondered how to praise the audacious Kwon Su-han, who had claimed to be busy and not shown his face all day, only to secretly appear in the audience, someone passed by me coldly.

It was Go Yu-jin.

I had completely forgotten about him. And I suppose it doesn’t matter if I forget.

Everyone left the stage, and all lights except the spotlight turned off. The intro music began to play. The cheers grew louder.

This was the moment I had yearned for as a child.

The people who adopted me a second time were incredibly kind and gentle. They scolded me firmly when needed, and hugged me more warmly than anyone else – they were real parents.

I lived carefully, suppressing my abilities as a Souler so as not to cause trouble again. Then, my parents had a baby. I don’t know how happy they were, having lived believing it was impossible for them to have their own child.

Even after their biological child was born, they never discriminated against me. After Yi Min was diagnosed as a Motioner, they even invited all our relatives and held a feast, saying we had two aura users in our house. I treated Yi Min awkwardly and distantly, and once, my parents sat me down and advised me that my younger brother was often upset, and there was no need to treat him so carefully. Still, I found it difficult to change my attitude.

Yi Min found out I was adopted when he entered middle school at age 12. I hadn’t realized he knew because he didn’t show it, but one day, when Dad was hospitalized with an illness, he yelled at me.

“You’re not their real son, so you don’t even worry, do you? I’m their real son, so I’ll stay by their side! You, get out of here!”

He was angry because I kept repeating “it’ll be okay” to reassure Mom and Yi Min.

I left the hospital room as if chased out by Yi Min, and unable to stray far from the ward where Dad was hospitalized, I sat alone in the lobby.

Amidst the bustling patients and nurses, I felt loneliness. And I instinctively knew that this loneliness was a feeling I would forever… forever have to live with until I died.

This world is so vast, and there are so many people, yet I have no place, no family…

I am forever alone. In this wide world.

I felt like someone who didn’t exist anywhere. It was a time when my heart ached with such emptiness, that I was a being not allowed in this world, unable to even occupy a speck of space.

On the large TV screen in the hospital lobby, a performance by an idol group appeared. It was a concert video.

There were idols dancing and singing with the happiest smiles on their faces, and fans looking at them, utterly blissful.

The fans, who filled the enormous concert hall to the point where I felt like nothing, collectively cheered for those five people. All those countless individuals had come to see them.

In that moment, I felt as if the world revolved around those idols. At least for that moment, it was true.

That sight was the only answer that could make me forget the loneliness that would forever follow me.

And now, I stand before that very sight.

A huge concert hall, on a vast stage, only I stand before a standing microphone, and over 50,000 people cheer, looking only at me.

A euphoria that no other profession can feel, a joy only an idol can experience. I dreamed of being an idol for this moment, and although I had given up on it at some point, now—

I held the microphone, looking at the fans cheering for me.

After the concert, the members, including me, all came down from the stage crying. Ah, Jae-yi didn’t cry. I wondered if his tear ducts had dried up, but remembering how he had cried his eyes out clinging to me recently, they clearly still worked… Maybe he cries when he’s alone.

Go Yu-jin didn’t come up even after my solo stage ended. He probably didn’t want to step onto a stage where everyone was chanting my name. There were no fans shouting Go Yu-jin’s name, and the members didn’t mention him either.

As I was wiping away my makeup, stained with tears, my mom called. My mom was crying too. She kept hiccuping and showering me with praises for how amazing my performance was, until someone next to her said a few words, and only then did she mention that she was with Kwon Su-han in the parking lot. The members were also planning to come to the after-party location in their respective family cars, so I packed my belongings and hurried out.

The elevator going down to the parking lot was full, so I chose the stairs.

I descended the stairs to the third basement floor in an instant, but I couldn’t open the door because someone was standing in front of it.

Go Yu-jin leaned his back against the door, looking down at me loftily.

“Are you going to see your parents?”

“…Yeah. You’re still here?”

“Your second adoptive parents seem to treat you quite well. I wonder if they know about the ‘accident’ you caused.”

I wasn’t surprised. A part of me must have unconsciously anticipated this moment.

The fact that he instigated CEO Shin Dong-woo.

He probably felt something was off after seeing Min, who didn’t resemble me much. After investigating and discovering the adoption annulment, did he feel happy?

“They both know. Please move out of the way so I can go see my parents.”

As I asked back nonchalantly, his face instantly hardened.

“Don’t act so arrogant just because your rank is back. A fall can happen in an instant.”

“You’re saying what I was going to say.”

He frowned as if he’d bitten into an insect. But soon, he raised one corner of his mouth, sneering.

“You’re trying, for all you’re worth. Daring to do so in front of me. It’s clear you’re overexerting yourself.”

I gathered my things. Then, I looked at Go Yu-jin, who wore a twisted smile, and returned a perfectly clear smile.

“No matter how much you provoke and instigate me, I’ve changed now. It’s no use, so stop.”

“…”

Only then did his face slowly change.

At first, he looked surprised, then a natural sense of emptiness, neither a twisted smile nor a cold poker face, appeared on his face.

I felt that was his true self.

He sighed and took his back off the door he had been leaning against.

“Kwon Su-han has ruined you. You were better before. I can still vividly recall you obediently relying on me.”

His voice somehow sounded drained of power. I had never heard him speak like this before.

“You knew. I relied on you so much, but you always treated me as an enemy.”

“When did I ever treat you as an enemy?”

“I know you always kept me in check. I don’t understand why you felt the need to keep tabs on a Souler who was only A-class, and whose singing skills were far inferior to yours. Everything about me was lacking compared to you.”

“…That aspect of you.”

He reached out his hand to me. I didn’t step back. His hand stopped in front of my head. It hovered as if to stroke my hair, then was withdrawn.

“It was infuriatingly frustrating, and maddeningly cute.”

He continued.

“With someone who sings so much better than me constantly sending me looks of admiration, how would you know how hard I worked to maintain that gaze? If I weren’t a Soul Aura User, I would have thought you were mocking me.”

A smile appeared on his lips.

“When others saw you following me around, saying ‘Go Yu-jin hyung, Go Yu-jin hyung,’ they called it cute, but I was scared. There’s nothing easier to lose than a child’s adoration.

To keep you from being exposed to a bigger world beyond my reach, I chose to debut in a group, even though it didn’t suit my personality. Idol activities were quite enjoyable, but not as much as your gaze full of envy. If you hadn’t taken a liking to Jae-yi, my idol career might have lasted a bit longer.”

I was overwhelmed trying to follow his story and couldn’t say anything.

“I made a big decision to step aside, but I never expected an Aura Adapter to appear and snatch you away. Oh well. I’m sick of your gaze anyway. It was really hard. Sometimes I felt the urge to blind you.”

He continued.

“It was only by going into politics that I finally stopped fearing your admiration. Politics is a place with a sense of pride and accomplishment incomparable to something like being an idol. I even stopped wars with other Soul Righteous Warriors. The feelings then, well, there are no words to express them. Ira, why don’t you use your A-class Soul Aura for something more righteous and greater? If you’ve changed from before, you can do it.

Come here. Countless people who need your Soul Aura are waiting for you.”

He extended his hand to me. As if asking for a handshake.

I couldn’t understand what he was saying. One moment he was expressing hostility and testing me repeatedly, then talking about fearing admiration, and suddenly he’s inviting me into politics? How much of this is sincere?

I couldn’t keep up with his current attitude, nor did I want to. He had given me too many wounds for me to accept this sudden, docile change. In fact, it was hard to believe he had become docile at all. Was it all an act?

I stared at the hand he offered, then asked in a rather agitated tone.

“So, do you like me, or do you hate me?”

“…What?”

“I’m not smart, so please speak clearly. Are you still testing me?”

“Your guard is up, I see.”

He smiled, his eyes crinkling.

“Well… Is it sincere, or is it a lie? What do you think?”

My Souler’s intuition didn’t kick in. It seemed he had blocked it. After a moment’s thought, I decided not to make a judgment. I felt it wasn’t something that necessarily required a conclusion.

Instead, I said what I should have said.

“I’m sorry for the burden I put on you. You were only my age back then. Now I understand how much of a burden it must have been.”

“…”

Go Yu-jin’s eyes widened. As if he hadn’t expected an apology at all.

“And separate from that, I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about, since you clearly didn’t come here to reconcile. I haven’t forgotten anything you did to me. You made things difficult for me again today, and… you instigated CEO Shin Dong-woo too! Do you know how petty your threats were?”

As I yelled, Go Yu-jin’s face hardened.

“If you’re thinking of asking me for help…”

“I have no intention of it. I’ll handle it myself!”

I stated firmly.

“I won’t accept your help, and you shouldn’t try to mess with me anymore. Just, please, go your own way. If you chose politics, then stick to politics. I’ll overcome you, so you overcome me too. It’s time for that now, isn’t it?”

I don’t hate him. I hated him for a short while, but now all that’s gone. With that sincerity, I looked up at him.

His eyes were twitching. In contrast to just a moment ago, when I couldn’t discern the truth of his emotions, now his feelings were clearly legible, even to someone who wasn’t a Souler.

Regret and remorse… sadness…

And then, he soon laughed hollowly.

He moved his lips to say something, but it was too soft to hear. He grabbed my hand and pulled me toward him, and as my body leaned in, he gently hugged me.

A long sigh was breathed into my ear.

With one hand, he stroked my head, and with the other, he caressed my back.

Along with the short comment, “You’ve grown so much,” he continued.

“You always make things difficult for me. Without even realizing it….”

His voice, for all that it was blaming me, sounded remarkably relieved. He caressed the back of my neck for a while before letting me go.

He was smiling. I had seen his smiles many times, but this one felt new to me. For the first time, he looked his age. This was probably his true smile. A genuine smile he was showing me for the first time.

“Alright, as you said, I didn’t come here to reconcile, so let’s stop here. I’ll ask you one last time.”

I quirked an eyebrow, as if to say, ‘Go ahead.’

“Are you really not going into politics? It’s a waste to use your abilities on an idol career. I can introduce you to something bigger and more meaningful. It’s a place with an truly indescribable sense of accomplishment.”

Go Yu-jin’s eyes were shining. Like Han-sae when he raps, like Mun when he sings. So I knew his words were sincere, and I replied to him with sincerity.

“While politics may offer a sense of accomplishment incomparable to being an idol, being an idol also offers a thrill incomparable to politics. It’s an overwhelming emotion that only idols can experience, and it’s also a deeply meaningful endeavor, beyond compare in this world.”

“…Right, I understand what you mean.”

Go Yu-jin smiled calmly and then raised both hands, stepping back. The doorway was clear. I slowly took the doorknob. Before turning it, I looked at him once more.

He was looking at me with laughing eyes. When our eyes met, he gestured with his head, as if telling me to hurry and leave.

Go Yu-jin would forever remain a person whose true intentions I could never fully grasp.

I blinked once and smiled back at him. It was a smile directed at the Go Yu-jin whom I had relied on and respected. And with that, I turned the doorknob.