JSWGAS Chapter 44

“You’re very strong.”

As Kokonoe Taka stopped, he said this to the runner ahead. The runner, who was about to walk down the grassy slope, hesitated upon hearing this and stopped.

Kokonoe Taka saw his lips move, as if he wanted to speak, but he was clearly not used to expressing his thoughts. He mumbled for a moment before awkwardly saying, “You too.” Then a hint of confusion appeared on his face: he was wondering why someone would chase a stranger for so long while running.

Kokonoe Taka easily deciphered the unspoken question. They looked at each other for a moment, then the runner averted his gaze and quickly slid down the grassy slope to join his companions. Kokonoe Taka glanced at his watch: 6:25. If he went back now, he might still catch his grandmother’s breakfast.

Just as he was about to leave, Kiyose Haiji, standing at the bottom of the slope, put his hands to his mouth and shouted, “Hey! Aren’t you going to say hello—Kokonoe!”

Kokonoe Taka turned around expressionlessly.

Kiyose Haiji continued to shout his name casually, seemingly determined to keep shouting until he responded. Seeing the strange looks from passersby, Kokonoe Taka sighed slightly and reluctantly slid down the slope. “Good morning, Kiyose.”

Seeing his goal achieved, Kiyose Haiji smiled and lowered his hands. “I told you, you can just call me Haiji-nii.”

Even after encountering him so many times on his morning runs, Kokonoe Taka still found Kiyose Haiji’s familiarity overwhelming. He seemed oblivious to Kokonoe Taka’s resistance and kept coming over to chat—he was a very funny person, and he knew exactly how far to push. After a while, Kokonoe Taka couldn’t bring himself to resist anymore, so he simply went with the flow.

He glanced at the people behind Kiyose Haiji. “Since I’ve said hello, I’ll be going…”

In that moment of distraction, Kiyose Haiji instantly flashed behind him, put his hand on his shoulder, and smiled brightly and enthusiastically. “Hey, what’s the rush?”

Kokonoe Taka was startled and jumped. Every cell in his body screamed resistance. He glared at the spot where Kiyose had been standing, then turned to look at him, trying to free himself from his grasp. “No, no, you guys have things to do, right? I won’t bother you any longer!”

Kiyose Haiji held him firmly. “It’s okay, it’s okay, this morning’s training is already over, all that’s left is to run back to Chikusei-so—”

Prince complained, “Here he goes again.”

Nico commented, “No one can escape Haiji’s offensive, right?” He glanced slightly at A-zou, who was silently stretching. “Well, the last one has already been softened.”

A-zou glared at his senior, a little embarrassed, but was held down by another companion. “Stretch quickly, let’s go back and have breakfast.”

In the end, Kokonoe Taka didn’t escape. He gave up, his face blank, allowing Kiyose Haiji’s hand to rest on his shoulder.

“How was it running with A-zou?” Kiyose Haiji asked, getting his wish. “Yeah, but I was still surprised that you actually chased after him and ran around the Tama River embankment twice.”

His tone was so amiable, almost like a relative concerned about a child. Kokonoe Taka shuddered at this tone and said helplessly, “He’s very strong. I didn’t surpass him.”

Hearing this, KING couldn’t help but interject, “A-zou is the fastest runner among us! You’re saying that like you don’t even see us!”

“That’s right, A-zou has always been a great runner,” said Jota, chiming in.

“But King-nii, we won’t dislike you—don’t worry, you’re our quiz king!” said Joji.

A-yuki skillfully pulled the tangled twins apart and remarked, “But this guy seems so young… a high school student?”

Kokonoe Taka corrected, “No, I’m a middle school student. First year of middle school.”

“Eh?!”

Everyone was shocked.

“A middle school student?!”

“No, no, no, there must be some mistake?! With that height, a middle school student?!”

Kokonoe Taka was standing side by side with Kiyose Haiji. Everyone looked in the direction Nico was pointing: he was even a little taller than Kiyose Haiji.

“One meter seventy… no, at least one meter seventy-five, right? He’s a little taller than Haiji.”

“Not that tall, the last time I measured my height it was one meter seventy-three.”

Kokonoe Taka blinked and corrected. Although classmates would sometimes enviously say that Kokonoe was tall, he didn’t usually feel it. Only when queuing up to buy food in the cafeteria, or during school assemblies, standing in the crowd, would he suddenly think, ‘Ah, they’re so short… no, am I too tall?’

“He’s not messing with us, is he? He’s actually a high school student?”

Faced with everyone’s doubts, Kiyose Haiji lowered his arm and vouched for him. “Kokonoe is indeed just a middle school student.”

After this little commotion, the two groups had thoroughly introduced themselves. After the introductions, Musa exclaimed, “But you really run fast, much faster than us.”

Shindo then asked curiously, “Is Kokonoe-kun also a long-distance runner?”

Kokonoe Taka was silent for a moment before answering, “No, I just use long-distance running to build endurance. …I play tennis.”

Those with high emotional intelligence had already keenly noticed the slight awkwardness in his tone. Only the idiots—Jota and Joji—were still excitedly trying to ask more questions, but A-yuki and Nico each grabbed one and covered their mouths.

Kokonoe Taka didn’t notice the little actions between them. He stared at these nine people for a while—Kiyose Haiji had once told him that he and his companions were working hard towards the Hakone Ekiden. So these were the ten people, then?

The Hakone Ekiden is Japan’s oldest long-distance relay race, requiring ten runners to participate. Each runner needs to maintain a pace of at least three and a half minutes per kilometer for about 20 kilometers to qualify.

What Musa had just said, ‘much faster than us’—meant that most of them were some distance away from the speed he had just run. Kokonoe Taka knew his own level: although he had chased after Kurahara Kakeru for so long, considering that neither of them was in optimal condition and their stamina had been depleted, the later speed might only barely reach the minimum standard for the Hakone Ekiden.

Moreover…

He glanced again at the people standing behind Kiyose, his gaze finally settling on the thin Prince.

He was meeting the others for the first time today, so he wouldn’t comment on them for now; but Prince—Kashiwazaki Akane, whom he recognized slightly, he had encountered several times during his morning runs, and he had seen the other person’s posture and speed when running, which were far from satisfactory. Not to mention 20 kilometers, even 5 kilometers would be a challenge for Kashiwazaki Akane.

Kokonoe Taka recalled Kiyose Haiji’s expression when he said those words.

He looked at Kiyose Haiji.

Kiyose Haiji’s eyes were still the same as when he had told Kokonoe Taka about it, firm and persistent, with certainty and without confusion, shining astonishingly.

He looked at Kokonoe Taka knowingly, as if he understood what he was wondering.

Kiyose Haiji clapped his hands and said loudly, “Alright, everyone’s rested, right? Let’s get ready to go back!”

Responses of agreement rose and fell, each person’s tone very different. Kiyose Haiji nodded to Kokonoe Taka and invited, “Want to come along?” He paused, a smile faintly appearing on his face. “Chat a bit?”

……

…………

Kurahara Kakeru led the way, followed by Jota and Joji, Shindo, Musa, Nico and A-yuki, KING, and finally Prince and Kiyose Haiji.

Faced with Kiyose Haiji’s sudden invitation, Kokonoe Taka hesitated for a moment before inexplicably agreeing. He followed Kiyose Haiji, watching the people in front of him greet him and then run forward at their own pace. He turned to look at Prince, who was half-dead, panting like a bellows.

“…Is it really okay?”

His gaze swept over Prince’s stumbling, zombie-like posture. More than running, he seemed to be walking quickly. Prince weakly looked up at him, not even having the strength to answer.

Kiyose Haiji followed Prince’s pace. “He won’t die, so it’s fine.”

Prince: “…What kind of… devilish… statement is that…”

He said with his last bit of strength.

Kiyose Haiji: “See, he can still talk.”

Kokonoe Taka: “…”

He silently distanced himself.

Kiyose Haiji didn’t care. “Don’t look at Prince like that now, I believe he will definitely be able to run.”

“But he’s already exhausted after only running one kilometer,” Kokonoe Taka pointed out calmly. “The Hakone Ekiden is twenty kilometers—forgive me for saying so, but he should never have had any related training.”

He thought of the others who were slightly better than Prince. “Those people don’t seem like they’re athletes who train year-round.”

The more he said, the more Kokonoe Taka couldn’t understand. “If you want to go to the Hakone Ekiden, why not go to a school with a professional team?”

Because of Kokonoe Zhíyě, he had some understanding of the school where his grandfather worked. Kansei University was not considered a strong sports school, and he had never even heard of the school’s track team.

Kiyose Haiji said calmly, “Do you think it’s a pipe dream for these ten of us to attack the summit of Hakone?”

Kokonoe Taka said coldly, “I think it’s impossible to achieve.”

The air suddenly became quiet. Prince silently looked up at the two of them, then lowered his head again, repeating the action of moving his feet. The silence lasted for a long time, until the three passed a resident’s garden, bypassed the roses protruding from the fence, and a white butterfly fluttered over. Kiyose Haiji then smiled.

He wasn’t angry at the other’s offensive tone. “Kokonoe, why do you run?”

“To build endurance.”

Kiyose Haiji had a sudden realization, drawing out his voice. “I remember, you’re building endurance to play tennis better, right?”

Kokonoe Taka subconsciously stopped, his pace slowing by half a beat.

Prince didn’t say anything, but in his heart, he was complaining: Haiji-nii, your tone is too affected…

The unpleasant breakup the first time they met had left a deep impression on Kiyose Haiji. Curiosity was buried in his heart, occasionally popping up mischievously, scratching at his skin.

You see, to consistently persevere in something, you must put in unimaginable effort, patience, and sacrifice—he was curious about Kokonoe Taka’s reason for doing so.

Kiyose Haiji seemed not to have noticed the pause for that moment, and continued, “Then Kokonoe, why do you play tennis?”

When Kiyose Haiji asked this question, Kokonoe Taka actually had the thought of ‘it’s finally here’. After all, it was Kiyose, so it was normal to ask this kind of question.

So he only paused for a moment, thinking this while readjusting his pace, and steadily followed.

It seemed that he could confess all his inadequacies to Kiyose Haiji.

Kokonoe Taka was distracted, he thought of the encounters during this time, Kiyose Haiji didn’t care about his cold face at all, rambling from all corners of the world, as if they were old friends who had known each other for a long time. Over time, Kokonoe Taka couldn’t treat him with his original attitude.

This old friend could accept all his inadequacies.

It was an intuition.

He thought, he believed that Kiyose could understand him.

Kiyose Haiji called out again, “Kokonoe?” He tilted his head and smiled. “Are you daydreaming?”

Kokonoe Taka said, “No.”

This sentence was almost an attempt to deceive himself, so he quickly answered the previous question.

“I don’t know.”

Kokonoe Taka stopped, not continuing immediately. He was hoping to end this topic there—after all, weren’t they just talking about how it was impossible for the ten of Chikusei-so to attack the Hakone Ekiden? Why did he suddenly have to answer why he played tennis?

But that expectation failed. Kiyose Haiji put on an attentive attitude, quietly waiting for him to continue peeling open his heart. The more he remained silent, the more Kokonoe Taka felt the atmosphere becoming awkward, and in the end, he had to give in and continue in a low voice.

“At first, I was… taught to play tennis by… my father.” He wasn’t good at telling stories, Kokonoe Taka thought. “I am a tool for my father to avenge his imaginary enemy.”

He involuntarily licked his molars, his canines slightly pressing against his tongue, feeling a stinging pain. “I hate that. So I resisted, and after that, he disappeared from my life.”

“I thought if he disappeared, everything would go back to normal.”

He could decide whether to continue playing tennis according to his own will, and he didn’t have to measure the meaning of tennis to him by whether he won or lost.

He longed to love a sport like Oikawa, like Takeuchi—even like Tono, whom he had miserably lost to in a match not long ago, even like him—he wanted to fall in love with tennis.

It’s so difficult, Kokonoe Taka told himself, he had tried, but it seemed that he could only get victory. He couldn’t fall in love with it.

“But I found that I’m just used to it.”

He stopped, followed by an unsettling silence.

The past scenes reappeared before his eyes, as if they had just happened. He was a silent bystander, he saw his past self in anger, in roar, he wanted to drive the unwanted people out of his world. He succeeded, but he also failed.

He plunged into the deep sea, only to find that he had jumped into lava.

“My father once taught me that victory is everything.” Kokonoe Hikohito only cared about victory, he wanted him to keep winning, to keep winning. Kokonoe Taka stared ahead, a feeling of being held down again appearing on his back. He knew that if he turned around, he would see his father’s face, his father’s approving gaze, his father’s final regretful expression.

“Kokonoe.” Kiyose Haiji called his name gently, then quickly changed his mind. “Taka, A-Taka. You don’t have to continue.”

Kokonoe Taka abruptly rose from the lava. He blinked, the gray mist covering his eyes dissipated. Kiyose Haiji’s face was illuminated by the sunlight that penetrated the branches and leaves, his irises slowly flowing like gold.

In the clear gold liquid, Kokonoe Taka saw the shrunken face of himself. His expression was very unsightly, the sharp features combined together, the aggressiveness and danger were surprisingly strong.

He slowly exhaled a breath of turbid air.

He didn’t know that Kiyose Haiji noticed his fierce expression, but he was more concerned about his gray eyes. Those eyes were eyes that were heavily raining.

He inappropriately thought of a poem by Tagore that he had seen in the textbook for the World Literature class.

The poem was called “Burning Memory.”

“One morning I threw away all yesterdays, and since then my steps have been light.”

But he felt that Kokonoe was completely the opposite of this poem: he didn’t throw away all yesterdays, but instead carried them firmly on his shoulders.

Kokonoe Taka shook his head, and he continued. “Why do I play tennis?” He calmly faced this question that had once confused him, pained him, and made him bewildered.

He thought of Tono Atsuki’s unwillingness, Echizen Nanjirō’s advice, time kept going backwards, he saw the wary faces of his former opponents, and in the corner of his eyes he saw his father, who used desserts to lure him to train. He knew his face so well, as if he had become a part of his own body.

Then he looked up at the sky, watching the simple blue sky with soft white floating above.

I was originally, I was playing tennis for the past, for victory.

……

…………

Prince thought, could he be on the set of some shonen manga? Could this boy, who was younger than him, have a case of adolescent delusions? He craned his neck to take a look at Kiyose Haiji’s expression, guessing whether Haiji was about to use his persuasive skills to bring this shonen manga protagonist back to the right path?

He let his thoughts run wild, enjoying the scenes like in a manga while he was running, so he didn’t feel the pain in his lungs and the dryness in his throat.

Kiyose Haiji listened to Kokonoe’s words.

“Should I continue?” he asked him. “My tennis is only for victory. I can’t find another reason, I can’t feel any emotion for it.”

Kiyose Haiji asked in return, “Do you want to continue?”

Kokonoe Taka said, “I only have it left.”

Kiyose Haiji captured the weakness-like bewilderment in him, and he patted Kokonoe Taka’s shoulder comfortingly. “You don’t just have it,” he said, thinking of that same painful self back then.

He didn’t continue, looking at Kokonoe’s bewildered eyes, and instead asked, “Do you want a reason?”

His voice was calm and clear, as if a basin of cold water had fallen on the flames of the soul.

Kokonoe obediently and quietly tilted his head to look at him, listening to the uneven footsteps of a few people.

Did he want a reason?

Kiyose Haiji’s question pointed directly at the center of the contradiction, dispelling the fog that had been surrounding him. Kokonoe Taka was first stunned, he stumbled, refusing to let go of his racket, wallowing in boring victories like masochism, including asking Echizen Nanjirō, and telling Kiyose Haiji, all because he wanted a reason.

He needed a reason to keep going—even if it was a reason like his father’s.

This idea was like admitting defeat, making him bite his lip involuntarily.

Kiyose Haiji said, “Everyone steps on this path for different reasons.”

He stepped hard on the road under his feet, the asphalt road, flat, straight, with various forks that could appear at any time, leading to different destinations.

“The things you can get from it are also different. Some people may run and run and leave the track first, disappearing; or like you and me, and Prince, we travel together for a while, and then leave one after another.”

Prince: “…Please don’t include me, just throw me down…”

No one paid attention to his weak voice.

“For me, I’m a runner, I know that running is an individual sport. But precisely because running is always an individual sport. Therefore, these days of walking side by side with companions are especially precious. –Running is an individual sport, but running is never lonely.”

“Looking at Prince running, it seems that I can re-examine the meaning of running.”

Kokonoe Taka asked urgently, “What is it?”

“I don’t know.”

Kiyose Haiji said frankly, “I’m also looking for that answer.”

“Even though I’ve been on this track for so many years, I don’t know why I keep running.”

Regardless of Kokonoe Taka’s stunned expression, he continued, “But there’s only one thing I can be sure of.” Kiyose Haiji pointed to the road under their feet, “If I don’t continue forward, I won’t be able to find the answer to this question in my life.”

“Answers, reasons, you can use any word to call what you want to find, Kokonoe.” He smiled slightly, “And this must be found by yourself.”

“I won’t give you this reason, Kokonoe. This is your own answer, and no one can taint it. –Do you feel pain? Do you feel confused? That’s normal, this is nothing more normal.”

When Kokonoe Taka thought that he was going to comfort himself to continue to endure, to continue to entangle, he heard an unexpected statement.

Kiyose Haiji paused and said seriously, “But if you’ve persevered for so long, and the answer you get is still the same… You can only feel pain from it, then it’s better to give up.”

Kokonoe Taka almost felt that he didn’t understand what he was saying. “…Give up?”

He had never thought of doing this.

The heavy burden behind him was gradually torn down, they were covered in black mud, having his father’s face just like his imagination. Kokonoe Taka saw their appearance for the first time, they were made up of the wreckage of rackets, the unglued running shoes, and muddy sweat. They were no longer dark, silently watching him gradually go away.

His heart stopped for a short time and then started beating again, rapid, powerful, a strong wind swept across his hot face, he shook his body.

Kiyose Haiji’s gentle and clear voice was still continuing.

“Choose a new road and start again,” he said patiently. “The past can be reminisced, but there is no need to let yourself be trapped by the past.”

“People always do what they like, what they are good at,” he said, “You are still very young, no matter what kind of difficulties you encounter, you have countless opportunities to try and make mistakes. Even if you make a mistake, it doesn’t matter, just do it again.”

“Is it only possible to be happy by following your heart, liking what you like, and hating what you hate?” Kiyose Haiji seemed to remember the shadow that disappeared in the long river of time, the same as himself. He sighed softly, as if relieved. “If after giving up, after failing, you still feel that tennis is irreplaceable in your life, then grab it again and never let go.”

…Just like me.

“The road of life is very long.”

The monster entwined in his nightmare disappeared as if it had never appeared, in the golden, foil-like beams of the morning light.